observations on solitude

so i find myself alone on a friday night again. the smell of nostalgia lingering heavily in the air again. it brings me back to when i was kicked out of church for the first time. my whole life had been centered around fridays. meeting family. they were the only family i knew. that was the first true taste of isolation. i felt like my whole world had crashed down on me. why? because my family was punished for taking my father back. the pastor of this congregation didn't agree and had been advising my mother that she should get a divorce. when she refused. the pastor told my mother she would be better off in the american service with her husband from now on. i didn't quite understand what was going on. i do now. i harbor no ill will towards that pastor. but i remember solitude. i remember feeling so alone. 

despite the one or two friends that have remained with me. i still feel alone. one is far away and our friendship is long distance, and the other is busy. my closest friends have deserted me. once again another anecdote from these bittersweet rendezvous with humanity. so i sit here on a friday night in my early twenties blogging. waiting for my shuffle to finish charging so i can fill my empty minutes with mind numbing tasks like laundry. hoping that the repetitive folding of clothes will keep the tears from my eyes or at least absorb them. i have to get out of this house but to make things better payday is a weekend late and i have absolutely no gas and the gas is going up to five dollars a gallon tomorrow. the early signs of america's virus. 

but i blog on. knowing fully well that most will stop reading at the end of the period finishing the last paragraph. if anyone is reading at all. its strange to think that i live in a city, i have neighbors and family and yet i am completely and utterly alone. i guess im experiencing "the scald of solitude" i don't think i'll ever get over its initial sting. i can't remember the last time i had a friend for longer than two years and he was the longest. hes gone now. as i predicted very early on. i dont know why i hung on so long. everything before that was one year max. 

most the time i am deserted, abandoned, rejected. i look in the mirror. i stare in the mirror. hoping to see what flaws keep me from making the friend i look for. the flaws that keep me from being the friend i need. not someone that is a friend because i can buy them things or because they want to have a romantic relationship with me, but just a friend who's there when i need them. when i call and say i need to cry, can we go to the beach? they drop what they are doing and drive. i have been that friend. is it so much to ask for that in return. then there is God. which makes me feel even worse, because i should go to Him, but He seems so far away. I pray to Him, He consoles me. Yet He knows just how powerful two warm arms are. He knows how soothing it is to look into a face with lips that say "i know your pain" why did He create me with such a desire? why did He create me to need my fellow man knowing how evil they can be? why when i pray, He cant just take the pain away and fill me with so much love id never cry over another friend who has abandoned me again? i know the answers. but asking the questions help.

my shuffle is done charging. i dont think the blogging is helping because im crying now. i think ill get my chores done and escape somewhere. anywhere. id give a lot to have a full tank of gas to drive around with. drive till i lose the road and my pain.