so basically i have pretty crappy self esteem, and for good reason. i have never been on a date, had a boyfriend, or anything close to a boyfriend who wanted to actually admit it, and i have never been kissed. i guess sometimes i have a hard time because it seems like the only people that say i am pretty are the mentally deranged, the elderly, family or people that see me as family, and painfully patronizing females. there have been maybe one ore two exceptions, but they were those kind of people that can find beauty in dirt. which basically leaves me feeling like there is something horribly wrong with me. i can count on one hand when i have liked someone who liked me back. i can also use one hand to count the number of males that have followed through and actually told me they found me attractive in a non sisterly kind of way, after i finished counting that first part.
so i applied to a couple of places to become a volunteer. i met my friend r and his girl for some coffee ( i didn't get anything, i don't like coffee). i figured out the baseline for linus and lucy. and i decided to add some rules. so for the whole self esteem thing (which i think i ended up at minus 105 today) i decided that i am going to make the effort to look presentable everyday. like wear make up and dress with clothes that aren't from the bottom of a pile of laundry i have yet to put away and stuff like that. i figure maybe if i look better i might feel better about myself. also for the whole reading every book on in my library once, i decided to up the ante and say that i cannot buy or check out another book until i complete this goal. this one is gonna be a challenge now.
wow. another year. i am strangely optimistic about this year. i dont know. something about being in church when the clock struck twelve made a little miracle in my soul. like 2008 melted into oblivion and all that was left was that moment of communion and the possibilities to come. so in a cheerful disposition i shall name my top ten goals for this year.
