life has been pretty crazy the last couple months. basically my weeks consist of five fourteen hour days and then sleeping the weekend away. friends are not on the top of my list right now. yet, i can't shake the feeling that even if i didn't have fourteen hour days, i still wouldn't have friends. my crew left me over some misunderstanding and even after i fixed it they chose not to associate with me. i have to admit that stung. i cried. i was bitter. i moved on despite their periodic interruptions into my life. that took care of about seventy percent of my social life. then my friend r fell in love. i couldn't be more ecstatic. but as experience has taught me, it is only a matter of time before the strain of love takes care of our friendship too. this one, is a peaceful separation. who do i have left? ah yes, habibi. i do not say that name with bitterness. i just find it all too funny that everything he ever said was a lie. "i'll wait for you," "you're worth waiting for." only to have him surprise us all with his new girlfriend at a christmas party. my sides still hurt from how hard i laughed. i guess its my fault, i stopped even wanting to be his friend a very long time ago and i guess that he picked up on it. then there is cypher. who masochistically persues a relationship with the vindictive siren, also known as my soul's worst human enemy. i think i'm going to just leave him to his pain. we are at ninety percent. the last strange kindred soul is athena. why she wants anything to do with such a sad little person as myself is beyond me. but ill be waiting, because as i have stated before...everyone leaves, everyone. the oddity of it all is that for the first time in my adult life, i relish isolation. its pain is a balm. if it weren't for my family, i'd just pick up and leave. lolololol.
you know there comes a time in a person's life when they think that their parents have lost touch with reality and have no idea what your life is like. you completely throw out the window their experience because our lives are definitely and completely different. we have absolutely nothing in common. if you haven't figured out i am being sarcastic by now, i don't blame you. sarcasm on screen isn't a very easy thing to do. i have been holding on to so much. i finally broke down in front of my mom and made a futile attempt to explain the struggle i have been going through between hating humanity and this pissant desire to have a genuine friend that can depend on me just as i can equally depend on them. oddly, the parent i least expected consolation from was able to put my feelings into words and minister to my heart in less then fifteen minutes. it wasn't my mom. it was my dad. he understood everything just like that. he gave me a hug. prayed for me, and made the pain go away. if you knew all that has gone on between me and my dad, you'd realize what an epic moment this was. they say there is nothing new under the sun. that word came to life today as my father explained his own struggles and feelings identical to mine. i know there are some God awful sucky parents out there. but mine aren't. today i am truly blessed. dad, this one's for you. those, dear readers, are my unscientific observations on the wise confounding the foolish.
humans are capable of almost anything, good and/or bad. having worked with them for almost seven years now, i have seen all kinds of things. you learn about all different personalities, faults, strengths, weaknesses, virtues. but lately, i have seen such a side to humanity as pains my heart. how people who once called you friend, can dispatch you with haste and then have the nerve to call you when their life goes to pot and they need help. what's worse? God blessed me with a heart made of compassion, even for my enemies. the result? spending friday night alone after having helped out a now enemy the night before. no thank you's. no updates. nothing. just this feeling of being used. so i hide in my room blogging, finding all manner of unimportant chores to do, to avoid going into the outside world. because humans are also capable of feeling emotion to the point where it can kill them. and right now that capability is personally being made known to me. if this is the level of pain i feel, imagine God's pain at our disdain when His soul is infinite and His heart will never burst. Those, dear readers, are my unscientific thoughts on human capabilities.
i could use a friend right now, but i am a little short on them at the present moment. i have no clue if it is my fault or not. maybe it is, maybe it isn't. its still all very sudden and confusing. blogging will just have to do. but my lack of a social life isn't the topic of this blog. no its something a little sadder. i am horrendously in love with the worst possible matched man of my life. he is my entire opposite. worst yet, he hates me. im sure he hasn't even thought of me in the months since our last freak encounter. i won't get into much detail, but i will say this, being in love with someone who hates you, sucks dirty stinky five year old never been washed sweat socks. and hurts like having open heart surgery without anesthesia and the terror of the paralysis. ive fasted, prayed, tried to condition myself to not think about him. tried to go over the little time we spent with each other in my mind and show myself how he didn't have feelings for me. nothing seems to work. it wasn't like it was even a long time either. for me it was love at first sight. the worst kind too, unconditional love at first sight. my soul aches for him and i have no clue how to cure that. my only solace... knowing that God suffers my same predicament. He loved everyone enough to put His blameless Son Jesus on the line and people spit on the beauty of that deed everyday. just like the pureness and beauty of my love was spit upon and made a joke. i would have done anything for him. anything. i still would. ive even thought of writing it all out in a letter. Jane Austen style, you know? tacking it to his front door with my signature pink duct tape. idk what to do anymore. basically this just really sucks. to make matters worse everything reminds me of him. it doesn't help that no one stable in my life is even remotely interested in me as anything more than a sister type. its like big and brainy=unattractive. so im stuck pining after a drunk, drugged out, suspender wearing, giant redneck, jerry rig your car with anything he can find, occultist who doesn't even like using his real name so the man can't find him because his past is just that sordid. there HAS to be something wrong with me. and those dear readers are my unscientific observations on unrequited love. basically that it sucks.... really really really bad.... really bad.
So far.... i am having a total blast being a spanish teacher. the kids are a lot of fun. i haven't laughed this much in one week for a long time. not knowing how to do lesson plans and figuring out a very scattered and enigmatic book is a little bothersome, but i have two awesome veteran teachers on either side ready to help me out. it helps to live with one of them (hi mom!)
yes, contrary to popular belief, nursing and medicine are two different animals. medicine is often times one tracked, rushed, and based on drugs, cutting, burning, and other such painful remedies. a doctor spends all of fifteen minutes with a patient during their stay at a hospital and who ends up implementing a good 95% of it? you guessed it! nurses. to think, a long, long LONG time ago i wanted to be a doctor. i was sadly mistaken.
so one of my students was generous enough to share her cold with me. i want to call in but i feel bad because i have to quit two days earlier than planned. i caved on the whole "having the last word plan" and i didn't even give smiley the letter i planned to give him. basically, this week is shaping up to be a doozy.
its strange to think that my third life is at a tragic and tumultuous end. i call them lives. periods where the people i love turn on me and leave me in a desolate place. left me. this time is different. thanks to smiley. God is with me every step of the way. this next life must be important. He has given me the boldness to demand the closure i need and deserve. yes it is all very vague. basically, as opposed to past times where i could not speak what needed to be spoken, i am standing up for myself. recognizing the value that God himself places on me. fixing mistakes, taking back my life, boldly finding closure. i may not have the last laugh, but i will have the last word. not words of anger, sadness, bitterness, but words of encouragement, love, and truth. before i was a timid, little girl shining light into the shadows, then i was a little girl finding solace in the shadows, then i was a little girl afraid of the light, and now at the close of this third life and the beginning of the fourth, i am a woman taking in light as if it were my next breath, with it devouring the shadows that so readily consumed my life, dark thoughts now turned bright in the fullness of His love.
Just like in rehab (from what I have heard), some days are better than others. The hard days are made more bearable knowing that God loves me. He has really been working in my heart. Reviving my self-esteem and reminding me of who I really am in Him. "He who began the good work in you is faithful to complete it."
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. OK now that that is done and over with. My iPod has died for the THIRD time, but as is the case in medicine, a couple have to die before you figure out what is really going on. I finally connected that this stupid malfunctioning radiobobmajig burns out the battery if you aren't careful and watching. So now, my much beloved Redi (named after the first scientist to dispute spontaneous generation, Francisco Redi ....NERDPOINTS!) has to be sent back to the apple company to be replaced, and I am left with my choiceless shuffle (say that ten times fast and you'll end up sounding like a true puerto rican). Needless to say, I am crestfallen. Sigh, tear, sniffle. sniffle some more.
hola!
I
i have no clue why, but octobers tend to be months of great change for me. last year in october, i chopped off all my hair, i got my nose pierced, and i decided to get a puppy. this year is a little more drastic. i cancelled my myspace, facebook, and msn messenger accounts without warning, single handedly cutting myself off from the world. my close friends are for various reasons not talking to me. in fact, at present i only have one friend i confide in. the only one that reads these blogs. a, al, g, n, and s have all ditched me as i planned and b is on a vow of silence for God knows how long. r is the only one left and he is super busy. there is always family, but right now they don't really know who i am or understand me or are trying to understand me.
whites in this case.... do not refer to undies that may be bleached. nope. i am getting my uniform ready. i am altitudinally challenged. i had to cut off six inches and thats with the waist band rolled up because the crotch is to far from the waistband. thankfully, being the well trained puerto rican girl that i am, i know how to sew. so i am hemming not only my pants but my shirt sleeves as well, because i live in a land of giants as my mother would say. my shirt looks like a tent so i am going to rig a nice little stretchy band with well placed suspender clips so that i can pull it in some so i dont look like im prego.
so i havent hallucinated yet, but it is def around the corner. i have had about seven hours sleep in the past two days. im not exhausted either which is the sad part. even sadder is the fact that i stay up late watching sappy korean love movies. my mom said that when someone cant sleep it is because their soul is out of peace. i have to say i agree. when i am alone. i tend to have morally ambiguous behavior. i know what is right. i know how to act right, but its kind of like losing weight. i know what i have to do, but i am content in my own skin. a better word would be complacent.
so i talked things over with one of my good friends b. i love b. hes made of awesome. hes got a good head on his shoulders. he turned me to Jesus and was like WWJD? and to be honest i did kind of stop and think about Jesus' life and how he handled things and i realized that most the time he spent, he spent alone. if he was with people it was because he was ministering to them not because they were his friends and he wanted to hang out. he didnt even call the disciples his friends until after the resurrection if my memory serves me right. there were many times where he would just go off by himself to pray. cant say i blame him. i mean i would want to disappear two when im telling my disciples the keys to life and they are too busy arguing about who is greatest in the kingdom. what does all this have to do with anything?
i hung out with my friends n and a today. n i dont mind so much. hes a cool guy. hes very neutral which is an important thing to be when you have such diverse characters for friends. they need to know someone isnt going to take sides when they talk to them. i dont know how to feel about a. a is like one of those exs that your not quite comfortable around but you have to be around them because you run in the same circles. im really contemplating just pulling out of it all. its awkward enough that i have to leave or do something else when they decide to hang out with g, (g is like an ex that makes you want to cry, puke, and kill all at the same time) but then a and al started to ignore me like three weeks back. there are two things that will easily make me not want to even think of your existence. one is lying, be it to me or behind my back and the second is ignoring me instead of just telling me what is going on be it negative or positive.
I thought the movie was all around great. It's not my favorite but it had some very funny moments. I love when Hugh Grant spills his heart out about some insights and Drew comes back and says " I didn't expect that, especially from someone who wears such tight pants." and Hugh replies, "it forces all the blood to my heart." It was really the witty banter that saved this movie. I didn't really feel the chemistry between Drew and Hugh. They seemed more like friends than lovers. Not like Ricci and Macavoy in Penelope. Their acting was so good you wondered if it was really acting. The way Macavoy looks into Ricci's eyes still stops my breathe every time I watch it. But this review is about Music and Lyrics. It had a wonderful commentary on todays stereotypical pop princess through the character of Cora. It really does make me wonder if strippers and half naked teeny boppers will be at the center of the middle school generations' entertainment from now on. We cringe when we hear that some child was caught with pornography yet music videos go on unchecked. Music and Lyrics was also a wonderful anecdote on how no matter how different people are if you stick them in a room long enough and they are even remotely attractive, they will fall in love. People don't understand that love is not some little magic moment. Love, true love that is, is like a seed that we plant and grow with the water of our time and the sunshine of our words. Attraction is merely how fertile the ground is that we are planting the seed of our love into, but any plant can grow with the right attention.
so i find myself alone on a friday night again. the smell of nostalgia lingering heavily in the air again. it brings me back to when i was kicked out of church for the first time. my whole life had been centered around fridays. meeting family. they were the only family i knew. that was the first true taste of isolation. i felt like my whole world had crashed down on me. why? because my family was punished for taking my father back. the pastor of this congregation didn't agree and had been advising my mother that she should get a divorce. when she refused. the pastor told my mother she would be better off in the american service with her husband from now on. i didn't quite understand what was going on. i do now. i harbor no ill will towards that pastor. but i remember solitude. i remember feeling so alone.
The early signs of winter are upon me. I sense the cold breezes. This season...once again. I have to decide whether I should hold out until the chill numbs my essence or if I should retreat before the pain is more than I can bear. I look upon that steaming water once again. I see it. I smell it. It's heat calls me nearer. I can see the leaves are turning brown. Heralding the death of winter. I crave it. I crave the caressing waters of solitude. I slip in. Its heat sends screams through my body. It hurts. It scalds. Will it ever end? Soon, my nerves adjust. Solitude, once again I bathe in your protection. I would not wait until the winter pierced my very soul. I would not wait until the oak tree, the willow, and the maple bed adieu. I would not wait for the green of friendship to completely desert their leaves. I smelled the early autumn and I ran to your warmth. Yes, at first you feel more like pain, but I know better. I knew that the pain would subside. I knew that the colder I was the more it would hurt. I left the autumn. I left the oak, the maple, the willow. I left them before they left me. I ran to you sweet solitude. I cannot stay forever. Your warmth, like all seasons, will pass. Should I stay until you are look warm and the summer leaves spring green from tender branches, I would surely die. For now, I submerge my head and let your heat run over me. Mixing tears with solitude. Until the oak, the willow, and the maple come once again. Until the come, perhaps in different form, until they come again.
So I'm going to this massive pro-life/ pray for spiritual revolution in america rally saturday called.... TheCall. What looked like an awesome weekend with friends, turned into a lonesome quest for truth. I am going to DC no matter what. It will take some creative planning for the parents.... (aka I might have to fib a little so they won't blow up my phone every five minutes, I'm the baby and a girl so that automatically means that I'm fifteen until I move out, then I will be eighteen) BUT it will be worth it. I'm going to be part of something bigger than me, something I feel is important. I want to meet with God in a way I haven't before.
I'd like to take this blog to expound on my aversion to the female gender. Yes this kind of sounds like a black man belonging to the KKK, but there are girl girls and guys girls. My aversion is to the former, or what I like to call "ultrafemmes." You know the ones of which I speak, the heart breaking, over bearing, might as well pee on the guys she likes and mark her territory, super girly girls. People have no clue how true the movie Mean Girls was.
Hummm. Having second thoughts now. Is it fair to ask a 20 year old to make the commitment of courtship? Am I even ready for courtship? I mean according to the guidelines I'm supposed to be physically, financially, and spiritual stable. Physically, yeah sure, I'm not dying anytime soon, Spiritually, getting to know God more and more everyday. Financially, STOP HERE, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200! Not to mention that I am in the middle of a rigorous RN program. See, as much as I would love to enter into a relationship for the first time in my life ( I think I'll blog later on "the nevers"), and as emotionally attached as I am, I can't seem to shake this feeling of foreboding. I can't help but think that I am doing an injustice to both of us. I guess what I am saying is that I have decided that for now courtship isn't for me.
So its been an absolutely amazing week! Highs and lows as usual but still amazing. God has been really shaping and moving me in ways I had forgotten He could. I guess it all started Sunday. I actually rolled out of bed in time to go to early service and I felt something was coming. At church I ended up in the overflow by myself. It was awesome, alone with God I felt so free like I could worship with everything I had and I knew none of my motivations were based on reactions of other people. I felt like crying and I didn't know why. I went into service after worship was over and pastor Russell preached like there was fire shut up in his bones. He too like me was tired of the complacency and pettiness devouring our church. I was so hungry to feel God's presence. I suddenly started laughing like for no reason. They call this the joy of the Lord, it wasn't the first time, but it was the first time in a very long time. Then I felt like electricity all over me. Pastor Russell's wife Sylvia called me up. Both entrances to the pews were blocked. Do you think that stopped me? HAHAHA no. I climbed the pew like a crazy woman and did what I had to do to get to the altar. I met with God like I hadn't since will...it doesn't matter. I reconnected with God.
