on teaching spanish

So far.... i am having a total blast being a spanish teacher. the kids are a lot of fun. i haven't laughed this much in one week for a long time. not knowing how to do lesson plans and figuring out a very scattered and enigmatic book is a little bothersome, but i have two awesome veteran teachers on either side ready to help me out. it helps to live with one of them (hi mom!) 

i find it absolutely hilarious on God's part that i ended up in the EXACT same situation my mom did not shy of eleven years ago. she had a job dropped on her lap out of the blue and not having a clue forged a new career for herself. my mom has only had half a semester of college experience. basically she is my hero. for so many reasons. i love her. she is teaching me something new everyday and whenever i have a ton of questions she is patient enough to answer each one.

i do have some nerves because they are paying me a LOT of money. way more than i am used to having. i want to make sure that i do my job well and that these students leave out having a great solid foundation in spanish. that is a daunting task considering i have over seventy students, but i am really starting to get attached to them and oddly i am pretty calm about the whole situation. i have a lot of catching up to do so i probably won't write another blog for a while (like anyone is reading) 

so far my job rocks. and those, dear readers, are my  unscientific observations on teaching spanish. -phoenix

on new beginnings

so i should probably be in bed right now, but i don't think i will sleep very well. two things weigh heavy on my mind. the first one has to do with the title of this blog, and the second doesn't.

i start my new job tomorrow. i am now a spanish teacher. i have no degree in teaching, and i have never officially been a teacher. lets just say now more than ever im constantly talking with God. ;) did i mention that i am also teaching high school students! im not so concerned about discipline or them playing pranks on me. im concerned about doing a good job. spanish is my co language. i learned it right alongside with english. i think in spanish on some days. i want them to leave being able to survive if they were suddenly dropped in a spanish speaking country.... like miami. i want to know that they can talk about what they did yesterday and have not sound like its what they are going to do tomorrow. (preterite v. future tense). most of all, i want to be able to be a carrier of God's presence to them. i want them to know that it is possible to be young and separate from the world. 

separate from the world. that brings me to my next pondering. lately, i've read my past blogs and i have seen a change. i guess my concern starts with the scripture that says "be in this world and not of it." and i thought to myself, what separates me from the world? do i allow God to be such a part of my life that my very presence causes a change in people, not because of me, but because of what God has done in me? can people tell that i am a christian by the way i speak and carry myself? basically, am i walking the walk and not just talking the talk? 

its not such an easy question when you have been brought up with church culture in your veins. there is a difference between being a christian because you know how to be one and being a christian because you really are one. i believe, i hope, that these changes are the later. i am a missionary. it is my call. for a missionary, it is as important as breathing to be in tune with God. to listen more than speak. im so hungry to move, to reach the lost, but im out of shape spiritually. its like a person that used to play soccer, the sight of a ball gets their heart going, but as soon as the start to kick the ball around they are doubled over huffing and puffing. the good news is, i have a whole manual that tells me how to get back in shape and actually does it at the same time (thats the Bible people). the wonderful thing is, im hungry for God again. not munchies hungry like i have been the past couple years, im talking golden coral hungry. yes its sad to not have a human companion, but im starting to realize how up to the task God is when it comes to filling the empty space my friends used to occupy. those, readers, are my unscientific observations on new beginnings. 

the smell of bread and solitude

im currently sitting at the panera down the street from my house. taking in all the wonderful smells and basking in the sounds of people relaxing on a saturday. im taking a break from doing three hours straight of simple math. why? because in all honesty i dont even have anything to procrastinate with. so i figured id do my work. 

im also listening to nature boy by nat king cole. this song. something about it makes me lonely and pity the lonely. am i listening to it because im lonely or am i lonely because im listening to it? its strange that surrounded by people, i find my self feeling utterly alone. well not utterly. i have Jesus, but even He knows what loneliness feels like.

unfortunately for me, God made us to be social creatures. "it is not good for man to be alone" and He knows why. solitude has a way of making even the brightest day seem dismal. the sweetest smells acrid. its even raining outside to boot. like something out of the sad part in a movie. all the of the people that tolerated me have left. i am become a socially awkward shadow of myself. what's left but to figure out why God has me alone. i have some theories. 

facts so far: it sucks when your friends get together, everyone leaves eventually, and politeness can be an emotional soul killer; falsehood dressed in silk. why can't people speak in truths? what prevents us from saying what is on our minds? why is it so hard to be real? 

nursing v. medicine (aka journey to my call)

yes, contrary to popular belief, nursing and medicine are two different animals. medicine is often times one tracked, rushed, and based on drugs, cutting, burning, and other such painful remedies. a doctor spends all of fifteen minutes with a patient during their stay at a hospital and who ends up implementing a good 95% of it? you guessed it! nurses. to think, a long, long LONG time ago i wanted to be a doctor. i was sadly mistaken.

to make a long story short, i felt a call to medical missions at thirteen. my first job was as a nursing care assistant at sixteen (yeah i totally missed the point and spent all my focus on the docs). it has taken one botched freshman year in college, one associates (soon to be two), a useless B.S. in Biology (b.s.... about all you can do with that degree), a CNA course, and three missions trips to figure out that medical missions isn't just for doctors, and nursing is more a field that describes what i want to do. nurses don't just say " rm 309 has pneumonia and needs 325 mg of augmentin three times a day," they say "mr. fields has trouble breathing and is in a lot of pain due to some other conditions, he also just lost his wife so we might want to take that into consideration." if we see a homeless man that is hungry, we don't just treat his illness and give him a prescription for drugs he can't afford, we feed him, we get him fresh clothes if he needs them, find a shelter for him, get him a program that can pay for his meds and follow up on him. that is what true nursing is all about. sure there are some that are only in it for the money, but at its core, that is what it is about. 

don't get me wrong, doctors are important. they do the surgeries, help with research, they are the walking PDA's (physician's desk reference), they focus on the diseases and treatments so we can focus on everything else about patient care. its just not for me. i've never been this excited about my future. i had no idea that nursing was so versatile. furthermore, nurses can go on to be nurse practitioners and have their own specialized practice, without the help of a doctor! God has opened up a whole new world to me and i can hardly contain myself. its been a long journey, but its good to be on track. seven years is a long time. huh... that's interesting... isn't seven the number of completion? 

so i hope to go on to get an MHA (masters in health admin.) and my MNP (masters in nurse practitioner) without having to get a BRN (bachelors in registered nursing) and it looks like in about three years and 75% less money i can do the same thing a family doctor does and then some because with an MHA i can open and run my own hospital ( a little ambitious i know). looks like Medicrates (C) is on its way to reality! did i mention that Jesus rocks my socks!?!?!

Return of the iPod and other misadventures

i got my ipod and it seems to be in working order as i am keeping it as far away from that evil radiobobmajig as possible. i am also feeling better. which is cool cuz i tried some new stuff like, vaseline on the inside of my nose (sounds bad, but feels so nice) making sure to use sudafed (not that crappy stuff you can get straight off the wall, this stuff you got to sign for) and not taking meds that are combined (aka cold medicine that has extra stuff you don't need) plus taking buttloads of vitamin C in the form of the fizzy drink powder stuff Emergen-C, that stuff is awesome. i also got a couple days off of work cuz the bosslady took my hours. so thats nice. 

so, um, yeah, i got a couple days off of work cuz the bosslady took my hours, and now i won't have enough to pay next months credit card bill and have enough gas to drive to work. well "de tripas corazones" ill do what i can. i can't breath through my right nostril, i can't even say nostril it comes out like dostril cuz my right dostril is all stuffed up. r got back with his girl. which is great for him, buuuuut not so great for me cuz that means its basically a matter of time until he gets his hands all muddied up with relationship issues and im on my own cuz hes the only friend i got left, im working on some new ones but my personality at present is not en vogue so i tend to be socially awkward. maybe ill understand when i get in my first relationship one day. i just hope she treats him right, cuz he really doesn't need the drama. i mean who does? at the end of the day, i still got Jesus so everything adds up just fine. (contented sigh) basically... Jesus rocks my socks! :D 

yes i realize that those sentences have nothing to do with one another but i am heavily medicated right now and this is the best your gonna get.... :D 

Student Generosity and Vicks

so one of my students was generous enough to share her cold with me. i want to call in but i feel bad because i have to quit two days earlier than planned. i caved on the whole "having the last word plan" and i didn't even give smiley the letter i planned to give him. basically, this week is shaping up to be a doozy. 

strangely, im not depressed. which is amazing b/c i watched at least three lifetime movies. being single, 24, and never having had my first boyfriend, kiss, or date, being ditched by all my friends and getting sick the week before i start a new job i have no clue how to do. its like asking for one giant emo tantrum. but all i can do is laugh. laugh till my sides hurt and take in giant gulps of vicks scented air. goes to show you, when Jesus is your main focus, even sucky weeks look like fun. on the brightside, its fun to say moon when your nose is all stuffed up. as mine is. with a wad of toilet paper hanging out of it to stop the flow of cold juice. lol. lol. man life is great. ahhhh life. right now mine is so God awful sorry you can't help but see the comedy in it. nothing like a good laugh at yourself to keep things in perspective. :D

Boldly Finding Closure

its strange to think that my third life is at a tragic and tumultuous end. i call them lives. periods where the people i love turn on me and leave me in a desolate place. left me. this time is different. thanks to smiley. God is with me every step of the way. this next life must be important. He has given me the boldness to demand the closure i need and deserve. yes it is all very vague. basically, as opposed to past times where i could not speak what needed to be spoken, i am standing up for myself. recognizing the value that God himself places on me. fixing mistakes, taking back my life, boldly finding closure. i may not have the last laugh, but i will have the last word. not words of anger, sadness, bitterness, but words of encouragement, love, and truth. before i was a timid, little girl shining light into the shadows, then i was a little girl finding solace in the shadows, then i was a little girl afraid of the light, and now at the close of this third life and the beginning of the fourth, i am a woman taking in light as if it were my next breath, with it devouring the shadows that so readily consumed my life, dark thoughts now turned bright in the fullness of His love.

how easily i was fooled into believe that i had no worth. it wasn't very hard, especially when your friends treat you as if you had no worth. but i know now that they weren't friends. i know now to cherish the word. i understand now that a friend is someone with whom you share mutual influence, whom you want to influence and by influenced by. 

how easily i was fooled into believing i was too low even for God's love. He kept me and i never acted on this low opinion of myself. i also never acted to remedy the situation. i became numb. now that i am awakening, the feeling is like as if a limb that has fallen asleep regains sensation. first come strange feeling of near death, then come the sharp pricks of life, then the sudden rush of blood and relief. im in the sharp pricks part. a flood of emotion. mostly good, all be it intense. 

i must admit, i am hungry. i am hungry for God's presence. i am hungry for true companions. i am hungry for true friends. i want something real. i need something real. i am alive now, but for how long can i stay alive? when it seems like most of the christians i can share with are in their own dark stupor. i want to scream at the top of my lungs, " DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHOM IT IS YOU CLAIM TO LOVE AND FOLLOW!?!?!?!" 

there is so much that must be done, and very little life to do it in. if only time could slow down, until i boldly find my closure. 

Soulical Rehab

Just like in rehab (from what I have heard), some days are better than others. The hard days are made more bearable knowing that God loves me. He has really been working in my heart. Reviving my self-esteem and reminding me of who I really am in Him. "He who began the good work in you is faithful to complete it." 

I keep daydreaming. I daydream when I'm hurt and I am trying to resolve the unresolvable.  I really had no idea how attached I was to my friends and how screwed up my priorities were. Having virtually no friends, save r, to confide in and hangout with and realizing that they left me without warning really does a number to my heart. The upside is that "God works things out for the good of those who love Him" I am now distractionless. My prayers have gone from "dear God don't let my parents find out" to "dear God, I'm lonely, can you fill this hole in my heart." I think the latter is more conducive to spiritual growth. 

More and more, my ear is tuning in to what God has to say. He has my full attention. Yes, I am a little hurt and saddened, as much by my actions as by the actions of the others. To say that I am not would be falsehood, but as always God is there to rescue me. Each day seems a little bit brighter. A little less fuzzy. A little clearer. 

Death of an iPod

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. OK now that that is done and over with. My iPod has died for the THIRD time, but as is the case in medicine, a couple have to die before you figure out what is really going on. I finally connected that this stupid malfunctioning radiobobmajig burns out the battery if you aren't careful and watching. So now, my much beloved Redi (named after the first scientist to dispute spontaneous generation, Francisco Redi ....NERDPOINTS!) has to be sent back to the apple company to be replaced, and I am left with my choiceless shuffle (say that ten times fast and you'll end up sounding like a true puerto rican). Needless to say, I am crestfallen. Sigh, tear, sniffle. sniffle some more. 

PS I really don't have emotional attachments to inanimate objects.... that's just silly. I'm not silly (that would be sarcasm)

the leaves aren't the only things that change in october parte dos

hola!

so i have some interesting things. more change. it is october after all. i am pretty sure im going to end up celebrating it in some form or another. i applied for a new job and it looks like i might be the next spanish teacher at a private high school not to far from my house. its great because i can finally pay off a lot of my debt now. it also has benefits. 

i guess the most wonderful part of all is that now i have no choice but to become an adult. if i don't the little teenage darlings will eat me alive. not only that but i have to be a good role model which, in conjunction to other things i will explain in a bit, forced me to face and evaluate the current condition of my soul. needless to say, it was in terrible shape. i mean... did you read the poem i wrote!?! 

up until now i have had it easy. being morally ambiguous, but then i met this guy. i dont think he knows quite what an effect he has had on me. we haven't really talked much, but his effect on me is a testament to the importance of a christian shining his light without even uttering a single word. 

i am a very good judge of character. i have a gift for reading people. God gave me this gift, i have no doubt about it. it is very rare to find an unspoiled by life real honest to God virtuous christian. it reminds me of that statement in the prestige "pardon me, but its not everyday that i see real magic" it was kind of like that with this guy. i cant quite put my finger on it, but there was something so knowledgeable and virtuous about him. ive never been near a soul this clean, this intoxicatingly in love with God. resolute in faith.  the only thing i can say is his smile crash carted my soul. 

i found myself praying to God that if my future husband was anything like this guy, i had better shape up. i started to take a good look at myself and realized that not only had i lost all self esteem, but i had forgotten all the values i held dear. i started to pray. which was big for me. i really didn't want to talk to God. not that He had done anything wrong or that i was mad at Him. i had just become numbed to everything. i kept seeing this guy in my head, well more like his spirit, and i became convicted. i was finally able to verbalize what was going on to my heart. i had a break through. 

its so different this time. no empty promises. no stupid schedules or lists to better myself. just action. i asked God to forgive me of a multitude of emotional and mental sins and after i was done i felt so clear headed. im not an ecstatic the world is rainbows and puppy dogs ninny. its as if God reached down into my heart and pulled out the weeds to discover that despite the struggle, a beautiful strong oak had grown there. i felt release, like i could stretch my branches and breathe again.  im so taken aback at His mercy. im speechless. i can get a thousand academic degrees and never know the depth of God's love. i am blissfully stupid to know that in my nothingness He finds pleasure to love me. and all because one guy was brave enough to love God and let it show. i dont know if ill ever have the courage to thank him and tell him how breathe takingly rare and beautiful he is. may God bless him a thousand times over. 

Ode the Complacent Pew-Warmer

I

Am

Morally Ambiguous

my soul is deciduous

consistently bathing 

in the lukewarm waters

of the land between white and black

I freely falter and never look back

I 

Am

God's walking vomit

now I vomit

and I return to it

it's the foul familiarity of 

my darkest desires I seek

I exude the stench and wreak

I 

Am 

Discontentment

dire dissidence, indifference

numb to the world

numb to myself

long ago 

I put my conscience on a shelf

I 

Am

Affection grown cold

the embodiment of Laodecia

the soulical snot

hacked up by deviant society

invisible, only God wants me

I

Am

eternal dissonance

leaves aren't the only things that change in october

i have no clue why, but octobers tend to be months of great change for me. last year in october, i chopped off all my hair, i got my nose pierced, and i decided to get a puppy. this year is a little more drastic. i cancelled my myspace, facebook, and msn messenger accounts without warning, single handedly cutting myself off from the world. my close friends are for various reasons not talking to me. in fact, at present i only have one friend i confide in. the only one that reads these blogs. a, al, g, n, and s have all ditched me as i planned and b is on a vow of silence for God knows how long. r is the only one left and he is super busy. there is always family, but right now they don't really know who i am or understand me or are trying to understand me. 

im all alone in the world. partly because i choose to be and partly because well its kind of hard to have friends that don't want you. (lets out a dry sarcastic laugh) in it all i keep thinking that this is too simultaneous for it to belong to no one else but God. maybe He is trying to tell me something. 

whatever the reason. there is no such thing as a coincidence and i welcome the pain of solace heartily. its the first thing i've felt with certainty since i fell in love a while back. still not quite over that, but i guess ill have to eventually. it was all very glass menagerie. 

so what will i do with all this free time considering the fact that i have also come to loathe the church i grew up in? feed my intense desire for knowledge. of myself, of God, and of the world around me. maybe i might imitate b and take my own vow of silence. im sure no one will mind since no one is around to talk to anyway (cept for r and my family). maybe finally being still enough to learn how to be comfortable being alone might help me relate to humans better. we shall see.... sigh, leaves aren't the only things that change in october.