whites

whites in this case.... do not refer to undies that may be bleached. nope. i am getting my uniform ready. i am altitudinally challenged. i had to cut off six inches and thats with the waist band rolled up because the crotch is to far from the waistband. thankfully, being the well trained puerto rican girl that i am, i know how to sew. so i am hemming not only my pants but my shirt sleeves as well, because i live in a land of giants as my mother would say. my shirt looks like a tent so i am going to rig a nice little stretchy band with well placed suspender clips so that i can pull it in some so i dont look like im prego. 

basically im saying all this because i am very very excited to go on my first clinical as RN student this sunday. its going to be a long day, but im one step closer to being a nurse. and if that isnt exciting enough, hold your breathe, i get to take pharmacology and nursing math next mod. which means i will be learning which meds do what like a real nurse. because you know we save the doctors rears half the time. i have never been this excited and sure of myself ever. i feel like God has led me to where i need to be and i am finally listening. in less than one year i will be a full fledged nurse. i cant wait! i am even the owner of a very proud stethoscope. my parents are going to get me a blood pressure cuff. this is so awesome! 

ever since i was a kid i have always been patching people up. due to my observative nature i also pick up on diseases very well and i am pretty good at subtleties. so its like my dream is that much closer and all the pain of the first six years of college is quickly fading away. ill be able to move out, pay my bills off, and save money to go on plenty missions trips while i figure out what goes into starting my own free clinics. i might get an MPN i don't know yet. i still have to finish up my BS in Biology. I only have four credits ( a semester so i can raise my grades) left.  Most of all, when my friends need me, I can help them. God is so awesome. His mercy really leaves me breathless sometimes. no matter how much of a spaz we are, He takes care of us. 

neato...

Hallucinations and Sleep Deprivation

so i havent hallucinated yet, but it is def around the corner. i have had about seven hours sleep in the past two days. im not exhausted either which is the sad part. even sadder is the fact that i stay up late watching sappy korean love movies. my mom said that when someone cant sleep it is because their soul is out of peace. i have to say i agree. when i am alone. i tend to have morally ambiguous behavior. i know what is right. i know how to act right, but its kind of like losing weight. i know what i have to do, but i am content in my own skin. a better word would be complacent. 

complacent. that word seems to embody the very times we live in. complacency can be caused by a lot of things, but in my case its one parts lazy and two parts busy. i cant seem to snap out of this fog to do what i have to do as a christian and a person. im doing better. im not as uptight about things as i have been, but that may be the further signs of my complacency. i just dont care how my friends treat me anymore. if they care or they dont. 

thankfully in all this i am reminded constantly by that persistent voice that keeps telling me that i need to hang on. that this wont last forever. that my time will come when i must burst forth out of hiding and grab onto my destiny by the horns. but i guess what disturbs me is, if i cant grab life by the horns now, what makes me think that i will be able to grab life by the horns later? right now, the only thing that makes me roll out of bed in the morning and maintain some kind of semblance of sanity is that i know Jesus loves me despite myself. He really truly loves me. sigh. i have no clue why, but im not one to stare a gift horse in the mouth. i say it out loud now and it makes me want to laugh uncontrollably. 

ted dekker describes way better than i do in his books Black, Red, White. i highly recommend. he allegorically and successfully not only describes Christ's love for us, but also its effects on one so complacent and clueless, such as my self. i cant wait to graduate. twelve months and counting and i will be an RN. i will grab life by the horns and give it something to reckon with. God help the man that has to reckon with me. ;)

sleep on it

so i talked things over with one of my good friends b. i love b. hes made of awesome. hes got a good head on his shoulders. he turned me to Jesus and was like WWJD? and to be honest i did kind of stop and think about Jesus' life and how he handled things and i realized that most the time he spent, he spent alone. if he was with people it was because he was ministering to them not because they were his friends and he wanted to hang out. he didnt even call the disciples his friends until after the resurrection if my memory serves me right. there were many times where he would just go off by himself to pray. cant say i blame him. i mean i would want to disappear two when im telling my disciples the keys to life and they are too busy arguing about who is greatest in the kingdom. what does all this have to do with anything? 

well unlike e, who i was able to completely cut off with no incident and without opportunity to reconcile (she broke cardinal rule number one, lying). there is something that draws me to the crew (a, al, g, n, and s) and even though our friendship may probably never be the same. i forgive them for the way they treat me, and ive decided to apply seventy times seven. sure i probably cant count on them as confidants. i cant tell them my deepest darkest emotions and hope that they understand, but maybe that was too much to expect of them in the first place. they are all much younger than i am, and their walks with Christ are ..... and well maybe i need to take up jesus' example of unconditional love. "no matter what you do or say, i love you anyway" so if they need me, ill be there. thats what a true friend is. a giver with no strings attached and when no one else is there for me God is. and i need to learn to use that to its maximum value until God does provide someone who can talk with me on my level and understand me emotionally and spiritually. someone who can be there. 

chief of all fools

i hung out with my friends n and a today. n i dont mind so much. hes a cool guy. hes very neutral which is an important thing to be when you have such diverse characters for friends. they need to know someone isnt going to take sides when they talk to them. i dont know how to feel about a. a is like one of those exs that your not quite comfortable around but you have to be around them because you run in the same circles. im really contemplating just pulling out of it all. its awkward enough that i have to leave or do something else when they decide to hang out with g, (g is like an ex that makes you want to cry, puke, and kill all at the same time)  but then a and al started to ignore me like three weeks back. there are two things that will easily make me not want to even think of your existence. one is lying, be it to me or behind my back and the second is ignoring me instead of just telling me what is going on be it negative or positive. 

i guess it all started when i was trying to tell them some deep dark emotions i was feeling and they shrugged it off and even laughed at me. friends shouldnt do that. i forgave them because im a complex person and its not easy to understand what im saying all the time because i dont speak like your average twenty something. but then i tried calling and no one picks up. i try messaging and no one but n answers back and if they do answer back its not in the best of spirits. true they have their issues i understand. but i have been there for them before. i helped them through a lot and in return i get ignored and ditched for g. 

i know what your saying. what the heck? why are you still friends with them? thats true. the average person would have just used an explicative to describe an action they should do to themselves and forget they even existed. i really like n though. hes a good friend. and it would be sad to lose him. but push comes to shove. i think this tiny break from solitude is making me want to dive deeper into it and hope that at some point its waters will fill my lungs and make me numb to human existence. even today i had to listen to more of a spouting out her constant barrage of drama. im just tired of it. im not nineteen im twenty four and i guess im craving something more on my level.  ive turned into an expertise friend (ill blog about that later). 

im just tired of constantly being betrayed and abandoned. i guess king david was right when he said that he who puts his trust in man is a fool. and i have been the chief of all fools. 

Movie Review: Music and Lyrics

I thought the movie was all around great. It's not my favorite but it had some very funny moments. I love when Hugh Grant spills his heart out about some insights and Drew comes back and says " I didn't expect that, especially from someone who wears such tight pants." and Hugh replies, "it forces all the blood to my heart." It was really the witty banter that saved this movie. I didn't really feel the chemistry between Drew and Hugh. They seemed more like friends than lovers. Not like Ricci and Macavoy in Penelope. Their acting was so good you wondered if it was really acting. The way Macavoy looks into Ricci's eyes still stops my breathe every time I watch it. But this review is about Music and Lyrics. It had a wonderful commentary on todays stereotypical pop princess through the character of Cora. It really does make me wonder if strippers and half naked teeny boppers will be at the center of the middle school generations' entertainment from now on. We cringe when we hear that some child was caught with pornography yet music videos go on unchecked. Music and Lyrics was also a wonderful anecdote on how no matter how different people are if you stick them in a room long enough and they are even remotely attractive, they will fall in love. People don't understand that love is not some little magic moment. Love, true love that is, is like a seed that we plant and grow with the water of our time and the sunshine of our words. Attraction is merely how fertile the ground is that we are planting the seed of our love into, but any plant can grow with the right attention.

observations on solitude

so i find myself alone on a friday night again. the smell of nostalgia lingering heavily in the air again. it brings me back to when i was kicked out of church for the first time. my whole life had been centered around fridays. meeting family. they were the only family i knew. that was the first true taste of isolation. i felt like my whole world had crashed down on me. why? because my family was punished for taking my father back. the pastor of this congregation didn't agree and had been advising my mother that she should get a divorce. when she refused. the pastor told my mother she would be better off in the american service with her husband from now on. i didn't quite understand what was going on. i do now. i harbor no ill will towards that pastor. but i remember solitude. i remember feeling so alone. 

despite the one or two friends that have remained with me. i still feel alone. one is far away and our friendship is long distance, and the other is busy. my closest friends have deserted me. once again another anecdote from these bittersweet rendezvous with humanity. so i sit here on a friday night in my early twenties blogging. waiting for my shuffle to finish charging so i can fill my empty minutes with mind numbing tasks like laundry. hoping that the repetitive folding of clothes will keep the tears from my eyes or at least absorb them. i have to get out of this house but to make things better payday is a weekend late and i have absolutely no gas and the gas is going up to five dollars a gallon tomorrow. the early signs of america's virus. 

but i blog on. knowing fully well that most will stop reading at the end of the period finishing the last paragraph. if anyone is reading at all. its strange to think that i live in a city, i have neighbors and family and yet i am completely and utterly alone. i guess im experiencing "the scald of solitude" i don't think i'll ever get over its initial sting. i can't remember the last time i had a friend for longer than two years and he was the longest. hes gone now. as i predicted very early on. i dont know why i hung on so long. everything before that was one year max. 

most the time i am deserted, abandoned, rejected. i look in the mirror. i stare in the mirror. hoping to see what flaws keep me from making the friend i look for. the flaws that keep me from being the friend i need. not someone that is a friend because i can buy them things or because they want to have a romantic relationship with me, but just a friend who's there when i need them. when i call and say i need to cry, can we go to the beach? they drop what they are doing and drive. i have been that friend. is it so much to ask for that in return. then there is God. which makes me feel even worse, because i should go to Him, but He seems so far away. I pray to Him, He consoles me. Yet He knows just how powerful two warm arms are. He knows how soothing it is to look into a face with lips that say "i know your pain" why did He create me with such a desire? why did He create me to need my fellow man knowing how evil they can be? why when i pray, He cant just take the pain away and fill me with so much love id never cry over another friend who has abandoned me again? i know the answers. but asking the questions help.

my shuffle is done charging. i dont think the blogging is helping because im crying now. i think ill get my chores done and escape somewhere. anywhere. id give a lot to have a full tank of gas to drive around with. drive till i lose the road and my pain.