you know there comes a time in a person's life when they think that their parents have lost touch with reality and have no idea what your life is like. you completely throw out the window their experience because our lives are definitely and completely different. we have absolutely nothing in common. if you haven't figured out i am being sarcastic by now, i don't blame you. sarcasm on screen isn't a very easy thing to do. i have been holding on to so much. i finally broke down in front of my mom and made a futile attempt to explain the struggle i have been going through between hating humanity and this pissant desire to have a genuine friend that can depend on me just as i can equally depend on them. oddly, the parent i least expected consolation from was able to put my feelings into words and minister to my heart in less then fifteen minutes. it wasn't my mom. it was my dad. he understood everything just like that. he gave me a hug. prayed for me, and made the pain go away. if you knew all that has gone on between me and my dad, you'd realize what an epic moment this was. they say there is nothing new under the sun. that word came to life today as my father explained his own struggles and feelings identical to mine. i know there are some God awful sucky parents out there. but mine aren't. today i am truly blessed. dad, this one's for you. those, dear readers, are my unscientific observations on the wise confounding the foolish.
humans are capable of almost anything, good and/or bad. having worked with them for almost seven years now, i have seen all kinds of things. you learn about all different personalities, faults, strengths, weaknesses, virtues. but lately, i have seen such a side to humanity as pains my heart. how people who once called you friend, can dispatch you with haste and then have the nerve to call you when their life goes to pot and they need help. what's worse? God blessed me with a heart made of compassion, even for my enemies. the result? spending friday night alone after having helped out a now enemy the night before. no thank you's. no updates. nothing. just this feeling of being used. so i hide in my room blogging, finding all manner of unimportant chores to do, to avoid going into the outside world. because humans are also capable of feeling emotion to the point where it can kill them. and right now that capability is personally being made known to me. if this is the level of pain i feel, imagine God's pain at our disdain when His soul is infinite and His heart will never burst. Those, dear readers, are my unscientific thoughts on human capabilities.
i could use a friend right now, but i am a little short on them at the present moment. i have no clue if it is my fault or not. maybe it is, maybe it isn't. its still all very sudden and confusing. blogging will just have to do. but my lack of a social life isn't the topic of this blog. no its something a little sadder. i am horrendously in love with the worst possible matched man of my life. he is my entire opposite. worst yet, he hates me. im sure he hasn't even thought of me in the months since our last freak encounter. i won't get into much detail, but i will say this, being in love with someone who hates you, sucks dirty stinky five year old never been washed sweat socks. and hurts like having open heart surgery without anesthesia and the terror of the paralysis. ive fasted, prayed, tried to condition myself to not think about him. tried to go over the little time we spent with each other in my mind and show myself how he didn't have feelings for me. nothing seems to work. it wasn't like it was even a long time either. for me it was love at first sight. the worst kind too, unconditional love at first sight. my soul aches for him and i have no clue how to cure that. my only solace... knowing that God suffers my same predicament. He loved everyone enough to put His blameless Son Jesus on the line and people spit on the beauty of that deed everyday. just like the pureness and beauty of my love was spit upon and made a joke. i would have done anything for him. anything. i still would. ive even thought of writing it all out in a letter. Jane Austen style, you know? tacking it to his front door with my signature pink duct tape. idk what to do anymore. basically this just really sucks. to make matters worse everything reminds me of him. it doesn't help that no one stable in my life is even remotely interested in me as anything more than a sister type. its like big and brainy=unattractive. so im stuck pining after a drunk, drugged out, suspender wearing, giant redneck, jerry rig your car with anything he can find, occultist who doesn't even like using his real name so the man can't find him because his past is just that sordid. there HAS to be something wrong with me. and those dear readers are my unscientific observations on unrequited love. basically that it sucks.... really really really bad.... really bad.
