on unrequited love

i could use a friend right now, but i am a little short on them at the present moment. i have no clue if it is my fault or not. maybe it is, maybe it isn't. its still all very sudden and confusing. blogging will just have to do. but my lack of a social life isn't the topic of this blog. no its something a little sadder. i am horrendously in love with the worst possible matched man of my life. he is my entire opposite. worst yet, he hates me. im sure he hasn't even thought of me in the months since our last freak encounter. i won't get into much detail, but i will say this, being in love with someone who hates you, sucks dirty stinky five year old never been washed sweat socks. and hurts like having open heart surgery without anesthesia and the terror of the paralysis. ive fasted, prayed, tried to condition myself to not think about him. tried to go over the little time we spent with each other in my mind and show myself how he didn't have feelings for me. nothing seems to work. it wasn't like it was even a long time either. for me it was love at first sight. the worst kind too, unconditional love at first sight. my soul aches for him and i have no clue how to cure that. my only solace... knowing that God suffers my same predicament. He loved everyone enough to put His blameless Son Jesus on the line and people spit on the beauty of that deed everyday. just like the pureness and beauty of my love was spit upon and made a joke. i would have done anything for him. anything. i still would. ive even thought of writing it all out in a letter. Jane Austen style, you know? tacking it to his front door with my signature pink duct tape. idk what to do anymore. basically this just really sucks. to make matters worse everything reminds me of him. it doesn't help that no one stable in my life is even remotely interested in me as anything more than a sister type. its like big and brainy=unattractive. so im stuck pining after a drunk, drugged out, suspender wearing, giant redneck, jerry rig your car with anything he can find, occultist who doesn't even like using his real name so the man can't find him because his past is just that sordid. there HAS to be something wrong with me. and those dear readers are my unscientific observations on unrequited love. basically that it sucks.... really really really bad.... really bad.