Slipping into Solitude

The early signs of winter are upon me. I sense the cold breezes. This season...once again. I have to decide whether I should hold out until the chill numbs my essence or if I should retreat before the pain is more than I can bear. I look upon that steaming water once again. I see it. I smell it. It's heat calls me nearer. I can see the leaves are turning brown. Heralding the death of winter. I crave it. I crave the caressing waters of solitude. I slip in. Its heat sends screams through my body. It hurts. It scalds. Will it ever end? Soon, my nerves adjust. Solitude, once again I bathe in your protection. I would not wait until the winter pierced my very soul. I would not wait until the oak tree, the willow, and the maple bed adieu. I would not wait for the green of friendship to completely desert their leaves. I smelled the early autumn and I ran to your warmth. Yes, at first you feel more like pain, but I know better. I knew that the pain would subside. I knew that the colder I was the more it would hurt. I left the autumn. I left the oak, the maple, the willow. I left them before they left me. I ran to you sweet solitude. I cannot stay forever. Your warmth, like all seasons, will pass. Should I stay until you are look warm and the summer leaves spring green from tender branches, I would surely die. For now, I submerge my head and let your heat run over me. Mixing tears with solitude. Until the oak, the willow, and the maple come once again. Until the come, perhaps in different form, until they come again. 

DC or BUST!!!!

So I'm going to this massive pro-life/ pray for spiritual revolution in america rally saturday called.... TheCall. What looked like an awesome weekend with friends, turned into a lonesome quest for truth. I am going to DC no matter what. It will take some creative planning for the parents.... (aka I might have to fib a little so they won't blow up my phone every five minutes, I'm the baby and a girl so that automatically means that I'm fifteen until I move out, then I will be eighteen) BUT it will be worth it. I'm going to be part of something bigger than me, something I feel is important. I want to meet with God in a way I haven't before. 

I can't wait. I hope I can get a least one person to go with me, but if I can't it just means that it will be one interesting Saturday. Hey, nobody said doing the right thing had to be a group effort. Well... it will be, just not the way I thought. Ce la vi!

Conflicting Chromosomes and WomanSpeak

I'd like to take this blog to expound on my aversion to the female gender. Yes this kind of sounds like a black man belonging to the KKK, but there are girl girls and guys girls. My aversion is to the former, or what I like to call "ultrafemmes." You know the ones of which I speak, the heart breaking, over bearing, might as well pee on the guys she likes and mark her territory, super girly girls. People have no clue how true the movie Mean Girls was. 

My Anatomy and Physiology teacher was covering the chapter on genetics and was explaining the importance of sex chromosomes. He went into a rant over why men can't understand women and why women can't understand women, and why women can't even understand themselves. Basically the difference between men and women, genetically speaking, is that men have a Y and women have an X. You know this, or you should. What you probably didn't know is how different these two chromosomes are. According to Mr. Molesky, there are only 36 genes on the male Y compared to the THOUSANDS of genes on the female X. Basically, its not in your DNA to understand us guys, you just don't have enough. The way Mr. Molesky put it, women have such a hard time because they have "conflicting X's." (What I alluded to in the previous blog as "double X action") Its like two women arguing inside one woman's head all the time. One is rational and one is irrational, you'd think the rational one would win more often..... you'd think. 

To me, the difference between guy's girls, or the girls that can hang with the guys and don't mind chipping a nail, or a tooth for that matter, and the girls that eat Estrogen-Oh's for breakfast is that the rational one takes over more for the former, and the irrational one claims the throne for the later. How do I know this? Because I speak WomanSpeak. Very few men speak WomanSpeak. It is a cruel language of subtle seemingly innocent remarks loaded with undertones and biting sarcasm. A language I had to learn to survive, a language I loathe. 

Example: I have this guy friend. Cool guy. I went to hang out at the Starbucks last week, and being the Delphic personality I am, I like to observe people and see what I can read. There was this one chick there, she seemed to have a flash of attraction in her eyes. I watched more, by the end of the night, she was totally feeling him. Which was cool, I was glad. Only problem was that I had no idea how MUCH, I also had no idea that she was an "alpha ultra femme." Alpha ultra femmes are like guys on steroids with all the roid rage, but instead of steroids its insecurity and paranoia. I went with them to go watch a play and I noticed a strange look. It takes a fluent speaker in WomanSpeak to understand this look, it takes a sensitive guy to pick it up. It's the look of territoriality, the look of stay back or I'll make you pay. I guess this chick was expecting it to be date, I still don't know if my friend told her me and my girl (the one girl I hang out with) were coming. Now if it was just one grumpy night, I'd let it slide. I'm a pretty laid back person.  Basically, it takes girls like her to bring me out of my angry shell. Girls like her ruined high school for me. God needs to deal with me about girls like her, because girls like her make me want to be very inhospitable. 

Why the intensity? Because, tonight she spoke WomanSpeak as only an alpha ultra femme can speak. Not only do I HATE that language, I hate when it's used so frivolously. Sometimes, its necessary to speak WomanSpeak (aka when trying to apologize without apologizing to maintain ones dignity and without instantly becoming a mat to be walked over, this action mainly occurs between to alphas of different subspecies utlra femme and g.i. jane) , but this is unwarranted because this guy is just my friend with whom I have no romantic attraction, there is no way I am any kind of "threat" to her. It's as simple as this. My friend alludes to us having hung out earlier in the week (I noticed the tension and tried not to speak directly to her), she says "oh did he tell you about the dinner we cooked together." Guys tend to hear "oh did he tell you about the dinner we cooked together." In woman speak it can be translated as " I cooked for him. We are in love and going to get married. Stay back or I'll shank you. I know him better than you do. See even now his little 36 genes bow to my every whim. Bla bla bla bla bla di dah."  Now if she were to be confronted. She could say Oh all I said was, and repeat the above, sans smug smile, and territorial glint in the eyes.  She would go on to seal the deal with a vindictive "I don't understand why she doesn't like me. most girls don't, I think she is just jealous." Guy says, see she wasn't saying anything wrong. You shouldn't jump to conclusions, and I go try to pop my ear drums in hopes that I never have to hear WomanSpeak again.

DO YOU SEE THE MALICE AND EVIL OF WOMANSPEAK!!!!!!!! It's so slimy and subtle, and even the above is a poor description. I'm sure this AUF will give me more fodder for this rant. I'll try to pay attention, so I can give a more clear example. This is why I get all tense when my chemoreceptors pick up high levels of estrogen. This is also why I limit my contact with specimens of the same gender falling under the subspecies of ultra femme. Contact with the sub sub species Alpha Ultra Femme results in rants such as the above. I must say, blogging is highly therapeutic. Especially when you know no one is reading....

Hypothermic Metatarsals

Hummm. Having second thoughts now. Is it fair to ask a 20 year old to make the commitment of courtship? Am I even ready for courtship? I mean according to the guidelines I'm supposed to be physically, financially, and spiritual stable. Physically, yeah sure, I'm not dying anytime soon, Spiritually, getting to know God more and more everyday. Financially, STOP HERE, DO NOT  PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200! Not to mention that I am in the middle of a rigorous RN program. See, as much as I would love to enter into a relationship for the first time in my life ( I think I'll blog later on "the nevers"), and as emotionally attached as I am, I can't seem to shake this feeling of foreboding. I can't help but think that I am doing an injustice to both of us. I guess what I am saying is that I have decided that for now courtship isn't for me. 

It's a good thing all but one of my friends are guys or I'd be paying attention to the whole "YOUR EGGS ARE GETTING OLD!!" voice in my head. At this point, I am going to have to take a leap of faith and say that if God wants me to get married, He will introduce me to some sweet blind fellow that doesn't mind me being fat and wrinkled. JK. I won't get wrinkles for a while. This is such crazy double X action. I mean do you WANT to hear what is going on in my head right now. 

"He's too young, but he's lived a lot in his short life time. What if he goes back to smoking pot again, it wouldn't be the first time. Your getting old, guys like him are few and far between, isn't he the first one in four years that has ever even been bold enough to state his feelings and want to speak to your father? Are you crazy? So what he's not a virgin, you should take what you can get. He will treat you like a queen. Follow you to the ends of the Earth. But is that what you want? Some yuppie puppie bowing to your every whim? Will he survive the field, will he survive what is coming? Can he handle cannibals, witch doctors, exorcisms? Would he be able to provide? Would your family starve?" 

This is what I go through. Maybe, maybe, its just Hypothermic Metatarsals (aka cold feet). But maybe it's God's voice telling me to wait for the one He truly has for me. Maybe Habibi is the one, but not right now. We shall see. I guess I just don't want to be like my fellow desperado double Xs that are so desperate they'd bite another females head off for even looking at a guy they are looking as well. I mean girls my age can be serious crazies. I just refuse to bow down to the whole, you have to get married and have kids at least once. I'd rather be single than marry the wrong person, because when it comes to being a missionary, it only takes one person that doesn't belong to get the whole team killed. It's happened. I mean how much worse would it be, if you're married to the wrong person. I'd rather go solo. At least I'm not allergic to the whole idea of marriage anymore. 

Projectile Vomit, Mammoth Wigs, and Courtship

So its been an absolutely amazing week! Highs and lows as usual but still amazing. God has been really shaping and moving me in ways I had forgotten He could. I guess it all started Sunday. I actually rolled out of bed in time to go to early service and I felt something was coming. At church I ended up in the overflow by myself. It was awesome, alone with God I felt so free like I could worship with everything I had and I knew none of my motivations were based on reactions of other people. I felt like crying and I didn't know why. I went into service after worship was over and pastor Russell preached like there was fire shut up in his bones. He too like me was tired of the complacency and pettiness devouring our church. I was so hungry to feel God's presence. I suddenly started laughing like for no reason. They call this the joy of the Lord, it wasn't the first time, but it was the first time in a very long time. Then I felt like electricity all over me. Pastor Russell's wife Sylvia called me up. Both entrances to the pews were blocked. Do you think that stopped me? HAHAHA no. I climbed the pew like a crazy woman and did what I had to do to get to the altar. I met with God like I hadn't since will...it doesn't matter. I reconnected with God. 

I felt like fasting for the first time in years. Every time I had tried it just didn't work out, my flesh got the better of me. But this time I am on file like I haven't been in such a long time. What does this have to do with my subject? well...

I was talking to my good friend Byron (HI BEEGE) who was telling me about the call. I thought I had class and couldn't go. Turns out that TheCall was on the one Saturday I didn't have class, the day before my birthday, and the last day of my fast. Coincedence? I think not.

I decided to seek God's face and I felt drawn to this "solemn assembly." So I'm currently doing some phone line shaking to get ahold of folk to go to TheCall with me. So far it looks good.

Now I have been making prayers, not thinking that God would deign to answer me. Let me tell you that not only does God answer my prayers He does it with a great sense of humor. Yesterday I woke up and I started praying while I got dressed. I said "Lord, I don't want to be grumpy like yesterday, grant me the grace to be patient with these children. I pray a Spirit of Peace over them and I pray that you would help them to listen and not let them act up. Amen"

That morning our worst class trouble maker came in with his mother. His mother was infuriated about his behavior the day before. She firmly told him to strand next to her and apologize to us the teachers. Right before my eyes, there was a miracle. One: The kid puked super far and none of it got on me or my co worker. Two: He had to be sent home, which ended up in the calmest day we have had all summer. I know it sounds bad that the kid got sick, but if you know anything about kids, their nerves are connected to their stomachs Stan from southpark style. He wasn't really sick, he was nervous that he got in trouble. He was fine all day. LOL. man that was a funny way for that prayer to get answered.

Now for the Mammoth Wig. There is this little girl in  my class, now I have seen some crazy stuff working for DCA the past five years, but this was a first. For some reason on God's green Earth, this child's mother decided to let her wear her giant wig to school. Now picture this, a little girl no taller than two feet, total, tomboy, with the goofiest five year old personality ever, walks in with a wig of hair down to her little tush so heavy that her head tips forward. She looked like she got into her mom's closet. I never laughed so hard in my life. It sounds bad, but I made double sure none of the kids teased her. I couldn't help but giggle though.

Then during work, the third miracle of the week happened. One of my close friends, whom I care about very much, asked me when would be a good time to ask my father permission to court me. :O That doesn't seem like much of a miracle, but let me give you some evidence as to why it is:

1) We have only physically seen each other once at a Christmas party last year.  We talked almost the whole time, but thats it, and I was looking busted at the party.

2) I'm a little large at the waste, which seems to be the same thing as having leprosy here in NN, cuz guys just don't go for it, but he really doesn't care.

3) He's not crazy, he is a normal young (might I add good looking) guy that is also planning on going into ministry.

4) he LIKES me

5) HE likes me

6)he likes ME

I've run the gamut of emotions today. We shall see how it all turns out, but I'm determined to give it the best shot I got. Good Luck Habibi!!

Viva la vida!!!