Growing Pains

Wow. Its been so amazing this past month. I have been growing so much, but with growth comes growing pains. I sat with some friends at Buffalo Wild Wings and I ended up spilling my guts about all that happened to me in the past couple years. How I had been so hurt in church and out of church. I realized that I am still not over a lot of things. I realized that there is still a lot that has to be dealt with. Things to be forgiven. I want to go to Wave all the way, but I can't leave until I deal with my issues. I don't want to leave in anger, bitterness, and rebellion because guess what!?!? the people that hurt me are planning to go to Wave too. So if I don't handle this now. If I can't beat this. I am going to end up being hurt all over again. So much for new beginnings right? If I can't freely tell my pastor, with a sound mind and heart why I am leaving and the fact that I am leaving, then something is wrong. 

I spent a good chunk of my life building walls and tearing them down when it was safe to feel again. The last wall I built was so thick it even kept out God and my family. Friends were out of the question. I realized that I am afraid. Terrified of getting hurt. I am so angry at my church. I am in a love hate relationship. An abusive relationship. I'm so used getting beat up, I can't even recognize salvation when I see it. I just ask, " are you gonna hit me too?" It seems like everywhere I go the story repeats itself. It has to be for a reason. There must be something I haven't learned. I refuse to run. It's time I faced life instead of sleep it away. I don't care how much it hurts anymore. It can't hurt worse than not living. 

As for the ugly bubble, I was hoping my super hero would pop it. But he seems to have moved on. ( to recap, the ugly bubble is the force field that surrounds me that makes every normal guy with in eye sight of me see me as unattractive, it's for my own protection. at least thats what i'd like to think) I don't blame him. It has to be a bubble worth popping and I don't think what he was going to find on the inside would have been very appealing right now. It hurts to know that yet another man joins the hundreds that I've met who put me on the "sister list." In this case, the silent list. I still have hope that someday, the one God has for me will find the bubble worth popping no matter what is on the inside of it. A man of God with an ugly bubble immunity. Until that day, I pray that God would take this broken, hurt, messed up life and make into something worthwhile. Seeing as how He can do anything, I don't think it will take Him much. There's always hope, even in the saddest parts of life. 

On the Snow Day that Almost Existed but Didn't

You know. I think the Bible has something to say about not worrying about what the next day will bring. I think it says don't worry at all and about sparrows and such. In my folly, I did not sleep well and I did not grade all my papers as I should have because I was expecting that today would be a snow day. I still have a lot to learn. I could be angry that the only private school open today happened to be the one I work at. I could also be disgruntled that half of my students were missing this week as well (last week was a school wide flu), which puts me even further behind. I could beat myself up for not being more responsible. Should have, could have, would have... but I didn't. Hindsight is 20/20, but if you keep looking back, you'll wind up tripping in the very near future. 

I decided to relax. I finally taught some good lessons today. I have decided that I will get my work done during the forty hours I am paid for. If I can't do it during the work day, then it doesn't get done. I work myself so hard that I burn out. Give to Caesar what is Caeser's and to God what belongs to God. I'm learning that peace can only be found in Jesus. If you're out of Jesus, you're out of peace. So thank you Mr. Meteorologist for being human and very wrong, you taught me not to take the weather report seriously and that God knows better than man. So the next time I want a weather report. I'll pray for it. :D

ask

"Little girl I say to you arise" 

These are the words Jesus spoke to a girl that had breathed her last well before He had arrived on the scene. 

Yesterday Pastor Lynn asked us in simple words as a new church how we would handle a family who was suffering through the circumstance of having a brain dead child. I volunteered that we should make sure their needs are met (i.e. cooking for them, cleaning their house). Someone else said we should help with their expenses. Another said that we should pray that God would give them peace in this time of trouble. After a couple more suggestions Pastor Lynn simply said, "why don't we prevent all that, and just raise the dead." 

It wasn't until right then that I realized how weak my faith was. How true it was that the God that lives in us is more than powerful to not only raise the dead, but to form complex life out of the dust. If we were to follow Jesus' example, He did not merely say, "Can I help you with the funeral plans." He said, "Arise." Further, He also said that we would do greater things. So I ask, why do we not see these greater things? Not because the Word is wrong! Far from it! We do not have, because we do not ask. We suffer from "peon syndrome." We feel that we are nothings and that God wouldn't bother to even incline His ear to hear our simple quiet prayers. 

I can't explain the miracle God has been doing in my heart for the past month or two. He has restored to me all that I have lost. He has wooed my heart and I am falling fast. I can't even wrap my brain around what I feel. The point is... I feel. I no longer serve the god of the numb. I'm no longer living in my self imposed isolation. It is as if God spoke to my spirit and said.... arise. I'm not afraid or embarrassed to ask anymore. God loves me. He LOVES me. I may not understand it, but it's the one certain thing I cling to right now. If there has been anything I have learned this past weekend, it is to ask. So what are you waiting for? Ask :D

Understanding Awe

I found out some distressing news the other day. My brother's car had been broken into. There is something to say about how the Devil knows which buttons to push. But this blog is to glorify God. He always has a knack of turning the most hopeless situation to good. My brother said the most amazing thing I have ever heard him say, " It's all material stuff that can be replaced." Until now my brother has placed high regard on his possessions. It hurt me that after all his hard work in one fowl swoop his privacy was taken and the things he spent so much hard earned money on were gone. I can't imagine what went through his mind. The beauty of it is that God helped him see the good in the situation. His car was vandalized by professionals, meaning that if he hadn't listened to the Holy Spirit and left any earlier. This would have been a much more distressing blog. Not to mention that his entire car could have been stolen. 

What makes the whole situation even more amazing, is that we were studying John chapters 14-17 yesterday at church and Pastor Lynn told us to ask big. To ask for the people that we wanted to be touched by God the most. My brother was at the top of the list. To hear how God used this situation to shake his heart and show him where his priorities were at. That meant the world to me. It also meant that the God of the universe heard my earnest prayer. He took time to listen to me. I can't even put into words how special I feel. The only word I can think of....is awe. 

So far....

God has shown Himself faithful and miraculous. What I lost in bad friends, God gave me back in new godly friends that love the Lord and know how to have fun. No band of fuddy duddies here. I am so excited for what God is doing. I went to wave church tonight and it was amazing. There were so many young people. I had no idea that church could be that amazing. The preacher really hit a nerve in me when he talked about leprosy in the heart. I'm still trying to process it all. In the process, I have found kindred folk that like me for me. I am still having issues with trusting and I am learning to let go of the past and not let the good people pay for what the lost have done. Baby steps. 

I PASSED PHARMACOLOGY!!! I still can't believe that I made it! It's such a sense of relief. I have been really putting my studies on the back burner while trying to adjust to teaching life. It's just so good to know that I made it! Not by a little either! I was well over passing so I can rest assured knowing that I earned my grade. God is so good! 

ponderings on attraction.

I guess lately I have been kind of evaluating my actions. I think I made a monumental mistake today. I shared my equation with one of my smaller classes. I remember being a little embarrassed when I shared it. I hadn't realized how much I beat myself up until right then and there. I think its at the point where I have to repent. I may not feel like God made me beautiful, but He did. To say otherwise, would be denying His love in my life. I'm not saying that my feelings are invalid, but that when I feel my worst, like my giant carcass is the most disgusting thing to grace the planet, I have to realize that it is a lie and the truth is that God made me beautiful. Why is it so hard to believe this truth? 

Now that I think about it, it is the whole reason I was embarrassed about sharing the equation. The equation doesn't take God into consideration. It's based on human to human interactions. Just because a person hasn't been pursued doesn't make them unattractive. Attractiveness as a concept should be an individual thing. Not to mention, that attraction can also grow with time. I think our society is so focused on physical attraction we have become shallow. It's the only thing we see. We forget that behind this house of flesh is a soul. A soul that shouldn't be measured by any means. I'm not saying that we completely look past our human reactions to what God made beautiful on the outside, but that we not place it so high on our list of social priorities. That we consider that our bodies are not the only thing that make us human. That we are mind, body, and soul. 

-Phoenix 

on being a spaz

yes. i am for lack of a better word, a spaz. i was helping to pack up the christmas stuff and i didn't realize that baby Jesus wasn't attached to his crib....er, manger, and he fell and basically, i decapitated baby Jesus and amputated his right arm. i put him back together though. it got me thinking about all my quirks. how i sometimes sleep with my head towards the foot of the bed and how i my idea of comfort food is some chef boyardee spaghetti and meatballs and white rice all mushed up together and how i like to crochet and how i bite my nails and randomly blurt out chicken wing and how my favorite drink ever is half coke and half orange soda and how i clean when i get angry.  then i was thinking about how that's not so bad. how i kind of liked my quirkiness and how all this isolation helped me to figure some of them out. and basically my self esteem is at -95 so im five points closer to zero than yesterday. which makes me feel even better! so i figured that i should put  strengths and weaknesses up so i can look at them. 

Weaknesses (this list is easier)

1. I procrastinate... a lot.

2. I have a hard time being on time.

3. I kind of have a tendency to let people walk all over me.  

4. I'm not very good at following through with stuff. 

5. Books and hats are about the only thing I finish. 

6. I say too much when I am nervous.

7. I say too much.

8. I interrupt a lot. 

Strengths (loading....)

6. I am very reliable in medical emergencies.

7. I love to help people. 

8. I can't hold a grudge for longer than a couple of hours. 

9. I drive really well. 

10. I'm easily amused. 

11. I don't require much to be happy. 

12. When you can get me to work, I work hard. Especially if I like what I am doing. 

13. I smile a lot. 

14. When I am not nervous or uncomfortable, I am a pretty outgoing person. 

15. I have a tendency to make people laugh. 

16. It basically takes an act of nature to offend me. 

not a bad list. i think i am at a -90. hooray!

on the theory of female attraction

THIS EQUATION IS NO LONGER VALID. READ "ponderings on attraction" I KEEP IT UP AS A MEASURE OF MY GROWTH. TO LEARN FROM MY HARD TIMES. KIND OF LIKE GOING BACK AND READING AN OLD JOURNAL YOU WROTE IN JUNIOR HIGH. 

ok. so i can scientifically prove how unattractive i am. probably not the best thing for my self esteem, but it kind of kept me up half the night and anything is better than thinking about how much i miss my big brother right now. its pretty genius if i may say so myself. 

so basically if you correlate that female attractiveness can be measured by the number of pursuers plus the length of time they are pursued multiplied by the number of relationships raised to the number of marriages, where the number of marriages is equal to (n+1) (because if it was just n and someone hadn't been married then their number would automatically be one and it wouldn't take into consideration the other factors.) then subtract the number of rejections and take the root n+1 times all over the number of days alive (time is measured in days) then you have a quantitative measure for attractiveness, or unattractiveness in my case. insert evil genius/mad scientist laughter here. 

the equation will then look like A= [n+1 root{r(m+t(p))^(n+1)-d}]/t(a) 

where n+1= the number of marriages

r= all relationships acknowledged on both parts

m= number of male pursuers of intelligent, sane males of the same age (this takes into consideration if you were asked out at twelve by a male around the same age for instance)

t(p)= the average number of days the pursuit took place (some guys will wait for years, others twenty seconds)

d= number of rejections, r was already taken and rejection is depressing, thus d

and finally t(a)= the time in days the female has been alive. 

* disclaimer: this is basically for first world countries where they can afford to be picky. 

and also you only take the root if there has been a divorce, otherwise you can ignore that part.

thus i have not only proven that scientifically that i am unattractive, in the sense that i do not attract males (this does not necessarily imply repelling males, just that i cannot hold their attention relationship pursuit wise) but that i am also mildly ugly. i have a negative number, its really small, but it is still negative. 

A(phoenix)= {0(2+135)^1)-3}/8895

A(phoenix)=-3/8895

A(phoenix)=-3.37 X 10^-4

i feel oddly accomplished and somewhat exhilarated. what a strange duck i am....

on my current self esteem issues

so basically i have pretty crappy self esteem, and for good reason. i have never been on a date, had a boyfriend, or anything close to a boyfriend who wanted to actually admit it, and i have never been kissed.  i guess sometimes i have a hard time because it seems like the only people that say i am pretty are the mentally deranged, the elderly, family or people that see me as family, and painfully patronizing females. there have been maybe one ore two exceptions, but they were those kind of people that can find beauty in dirt. which basically leaves me feeling like there is something horribly wrong with me. i can count on one hand when i have liked someone who liked me back. i can also use one hand to count the number of males that have followed through and actually told me they found me attractive in a non sisterly kind of way, after i finished counting that first part. 

i know i am not ugly per se. i just feel ugly, or like there is something wrong with me. maybe im such a pill that guys see me and want to run the other way. it feels like maybe the very core of who i am is unattractive to sane human males my age. yup that about sums it up, who i am is unattractive. its the only explanation. the other theory is that God has basically put an ugly bubble around me to "protect" me, and i just have to wait for prince charming to pop it. right now this ugly bubble looks pretty impenetrable. its gonna take a superhero. 

on goal progress

so i applied to a couple of places to become a volunteer. i met my friend r and his girl for some coffee ( i didn't get anything, i don't like coffee). i figured out the baseline for linus and lucy. and i decided to add some rules. so for the whole self esteem thing (which i think i ended up at minus 105 today) i decided that i am going to make the effort to look presentable everyday. like wear make up and dress with clothes that aren't from the bottom of a pile of laundry i have yet to put away and stuff like that. i figure maybe if i look better i might feel better about myself. also for the whole reading every book on in my library once, i decided to up the ante and say that i cannot buy or check out another book until i complete this goal. this one is gonna be a challenge now. 

my brother leaves tomorrow. he takes me places and helps me to be a well rounded individual. so i guess its back to the hermitage. 

on my goals for the new year

wow. another year. i am strangely optimistic about this year. i dont know. something about being in church when the clock struck twelve made a little miracle in my soul. like 2008 melted into oblivion and all that was left was that moment of communion and the possibilities to come. so in a cheerful disposition i shall name my top ten goals for this year. 

1. reconnect with God

2. lose weight, some weight, any weight, a quarter pound would even be nice right now (i figured i should make my goals feasible)

3. pay off a good portion of my debt

4. volunteer at least once a month at a free clinic/hospital

5. be a good friend to the friends i have left and take the hard way and not isolate myself

6. graduate from nursing school, pass my state boards

7. learn how to play "Linus and Lucy" on the piano

8. read every book in my library at least once

9. go on one missions trip after i graduate and use my new nursing skills to help others

10. learn how to not beat myself up and take my self esteem from a negative 100 to at least a zero. 

i think these are all possible. we shall see. hears to hope.... HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!