Growing Pains

Wow. Its been so amazing this past month. I have been growing so much, but with growth comes growing pains. I sat with some friends at Buffalo Wild Wings and I ended up spilling my guts about all that happened to me in the past couple years. How I had been so hurt in church and out of church. I realized that I am still not over a lot of things. I realized that there is still a lot that has to be dealt with. Things to be forgiven. I want to go to Wave all the way, but I can't leave until I deal with my issues. I don't want to leave in anger, bitterness, and rebellion because guess what!?!? the people that hurt me are planning to go to Wave too. So if I don't handle this now. If I can't beat this. I am going to end up being hurt all over again. So much for new beginnings right? If I can't freely tell my pastor, with a sound mind and heart why I am leaving and the fact that I am leaving, then something is wrong. 

I spent a good chunk of my life building walls and tearing them down when it was safe to feel again. The last wall I built was so thick it even kept out God and my family. Friends were out of the question. I realized that I am afraid. Terrified of getting hurt. I am so angry at my church. I am in a love hate relationship. An abusive relationship. I'm so used getting beat up, I can't even recognize salvation when I see it. I just ask, " are you gonna hit me too?" It seems like everywhere I go the story repeats itself. It has to be for a reason. There must be something I haven't learned. I refuse to run. It's time I faced life instead of sleep it away. I don't care how much it hurts anymore. It can't hurt worse than not living. 

As for the ugly bubble, I was hoping my super hero would pop it. But he seems to have moved on. ( to recap, the ugly bubble is the force field that surrounds me that makes every normal guy with in eye sight of me see me as unattractive, it's for my own protection. at least thats what i'd like to think) I don't blame him. It has to be a bubble worth popping and I don't think what he was going to find on the inside would have been very appealing right now. It hurts to know that yet another man joins the hundreds that I've met who put me on the "sister list." In this case, the silent list. I still have hope that someday, the one God has for me will find the bubble worth popping no matter what is on the inside of it. A man of God with an ugly bubble immunity. Until that day, I pray that God would take this broken, hurt, messed up life and make into something worthwhile. Seeing as how He can do anything, I don't think it will take Him much. There's always hope, even in the saddest parts of life.