Sigh

OK. So maybe that's not my motto. It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind right? Or it could be up to God to change it for her. We basically had service at my house and it was amazing. While I was praying, I got a pretty profound nugget of wisdom. "Loneliness isn't some cross to bear. The single martyr's burden. It is a hole that only Jesus can fill." 

Deep right? Definitely wasn't from me. It made me realize how needy I've become. Emotionally and spiritually. I need constant attention and I pout like a five year old if things don't go my way. I realized that people aren't puppets to be manipulated. I had taken my focus off of Jesus. Maybe loneliness is really our Spirits hungering after God only we get the message all screwed up. I just remember sitting there with this urgent need to grow up and be an adult. Kind of liek that Bob Newhart skit. STOP IT. JUST STOP IT. 

Its high time I "Accept what I cannot change, and change what I cannot accept."

What I learned most on this resurrection Sunday? You can't hold on to your past and keep walking towards the future. The past is only so stretchy. You only miss out on what your not paying attention to at the moment. Was there an amazing service at Wave? No doubt! Could I have been hanging out with some awesome godly people at Starbucks (yay TDF!)? Of course! But that wasn't what God wanted. Just because there are a lot of things to do, and just because they are all good, doesn't mean you need to do them all. I'm learning to be in the moment. To ask God what He wants me to do and where He wants me to be. I guess you can say I learned a lot this weekend. :)

My Motto

I have decided that I will probably never get married. I have gone through my whole life without ever having a boyfriend or gone on a date or even been kissed. I have been told that I am pretty and have a "great personality." We all know what that means. FACE LIKE A DOG. So in order to keep my sanity I have created a motto. "All guys just want to be friends. No man will ever be interested in you." 

I say it in the morning and before I go to sleep. My soul is being rowdy, but it'll get the hint eventually. Boys are the most confusing creatures. I hate being confused or maybe its just as simple as trying to find something that isn't there. Men are just not that into me. 

The Ugly Bubble Files

Evidence #436-A

The perpetrator who shall be renamed Unicorn Sauce for confidentiality purposes and to prevent embarrassment on my part has shown possible evidence of susceptibility to the Ugly Bubble (for further information on what the Ugly Bubble is, visit the previous blog entitled the Ugly Bubble Theory now.) 

Unicorn Sauce has gone from an average of three hours of talk time per night and suspiciously flirty behavior to almost 48 hours without contact. The consensus is that this is a fear response initiated by the fact that he is new to his life here in the place I also live. The course of action is to give him time. Time that was also given to said perpetrator Worcestershire Sauce. I fail to view the comparison. WS is a shy introverted and emotionally detached individual and requires time. US is basically a player with high access to fembots and gi janes alike. Half of his friends are ten times hotter and nicer than me. 

I have mixed feelings. My theory: He is either "just not that into me" or he ran head first really quickly into the ugly bubble and the ugly bubble scoffed and scared him crap-less. When the Ugly Bubble was questioned, it responded with:  "Stupid boy... you cannot penetrate me without primary access to the supernatural being known as God and hurricane like force and/or superhuman stealth is required on top of this access." -The Ugly Bubble

 The first one seems to go along with romantically historical evidence. I have none. 

I will follow said course of action and pretend like nothing happened the next time I see him and will avoid contact via any modes of electronic correspondence at all costs. I don't really see the point as I believe that this is another one to file under the Ugly Bubble Theory... or maybe I really am just ugly and I should wear a bag on my head, buy ten cats, and count my losses.  

"What Sarah said"

I listened to a song "what Sarah said" by Death Cab for Cutie. It made me think about something I hadn't stop to think about before. As a nurse, especially as an ER nurse it may fall on me to help families cope with loss or even to be the bearer of bad news. How will it feel to know that the next words out of my mouth will cause someone pain and sadness? 

Doing clinicals you are surrounded by death all the time. Surrounded by illness and death, it makes you realize how precious life is. How fragile and frail life is. The Bible says it like a flower that is here today and gone tomorrow. It makes me so utterly frustrated when I waste my time. A word of admiration left unsaid, one less I love you. How much time do I waste being angry, sad, afraid of rejection? Too much in my opinion. 

I guess my prayer is that God would remind me of the beauty all around me, and that beauty will help to focus on what is so precious and important... Life. It's what you do in this life that counts for eternity. 

-Phoenix

Selfishness

Maybe it's because I am fasting and I have more insight into my own character. Maybe God is just showing me how carnal I've become. It seems that I just can't seem to say the right thing. Mercy has made it that the people around me are too polite to point out my flaws to me. I am starting to see them as clear as day and I don't like the person I've become. I can't even win or lose a video game gracefully. I'm so loud and out of control. Out of control. A phrase that seems to keep coming up in my everyday speech. It's the phrase that precisely describes my soul life. Extreme highs and lows. I think I change moods and minds fifty times a day. I've come to admire those around me that can hold their silence. That now how to converse with grace. Oh how I wish I could have that. I used to be like that once. My words were counted, graceful, wise. It seems like I've gone backwards in maturity. I think they call it regression in psychology. I'm aging backwards. I was 16 going on 40 now I'm 24 going on 15. I guess my prayer is Lord grant me wisdom. Give me the grace to think of others before myself. Help me Lord to put a filter over my mouth. To not waste words. Show me the way back to You, back to wisdom. Amen. 

Sick Day

Yes. I am at home right now. Trying to relax because the stress of everything sent me over the edge into a full scale severe migraine followed by a nosebleed and a hangover headache. A hangover headache is not the same as getting drunk and then suffering the consequences. In this case, its like your head is a giant water balloon and you feel every movement, and your thoughts are moving through the water just like you would if you tried to run in neck-deep water. Thankfully, the doctor knew just what it was. The new medicine works great because it also treats the tension headache side of the migraine. 

Evaluation time. God has really been speaking to me about fasting from facebook or non-business related internet activities in general. To use that time to speak to him or be productive. Mainly to speak to him. I read a great blog recently about finding God in the monotony of life. The fact that life could be viewed as monotony relates that I have lost sight of how beautiful and amazing life can be. How wind causes leaves to dance erratically in the air. No two dances being the same. How my body keeps me alive through the night even though I don't eat while I am sleeping. The fact that the very bed I'm sleeping on was made in a factory that God gave man wisdom to build. 

Stress is like a magnifying glass and a filter. It magnifies all the bad and filters out the amazing. Why am I under so much stress? because I am trying to do too much at once. I have too much on my plate. There is this joke in nursing school "School, Work, a Life: Pick one." Sadly, I tried to pick all three. I can't get rid of work, because I spent more than I had (God forgive me), and I can't stop school because it is training for my calling. The one thing I can stop, but I don't want to is the blooming social life I have. Always something to do now that I joined wave, but just because there is always something to do, doesn't mean you have to do it all. I guess I have fear that if I don't hang out with my friends, I won't have any friends and as much as I talked about the beauty of isolation, it still hurts to be alone. I guess my prayer now, is that God will give the strength and the security in Him and my family to sacrifice for the vision He gave me. 

He's given so much. It seems so selfish of me to consider it sacrifice instead of a gift. Now that I think about it, it seems so fitting. God gave me what I wanted most at the time. Friends. He always has to take them away because they are like a drug that I become addicted to and keep overusing. I'd even take bad friends than no friends. So now God is saying "Do you think you could give them back to Me, and finally trust Me to do what is best for you." So I will fast. I will pray and see who is still left standing at the end.  

-Phoenix

My heart, My passion, My love

My heart, my passion, and my love is medical missions. Right now I really want to be in the field. I can't wait because in approximately eight months I will be off somewhere. Anywhere. Where ever God leads I will go. Just to be there, serving, making a difference is like pouring water on a thirsty plant. It's what I live for. It's why I am alive. I miss the field. 

How long can I take this....

Lately I have just been worn out. So much so that I haven't been doing my job to the best of my ability. I think I am getting burnt out. I want to isolate so bad. Just withdraw from everything. There is nothing quite like not having to talk to anyone. I can go home and go straight to bed without feeling terrible about not spending at least five minutes with my family. How do you handle being burnt out, especially when it feels like there is no way out? I have four months of this constant barage. Working 8 hours during the day plus the hour for every stack of paper I acumulate a day. 2 hours for tests. Then school doesn't just go on at night, but it invades the weekends as well. So I feel like I am stuck in a never ending work week. It's all I can do to get some sleep and food in me. I can't stop working because I have monthly bills to pay. Lately, it seems even crazier because I made a lot of awesome new friends and I want to spend time with them as well. After the sudden loss of my last crew, I feel like I have to spend time with them or they will leave like the others did.

I am stretched so thin I just want to scream. Maybe I just need a good cry. Nothing quite as therapeutic to a female as sweets, a sappy chic flick, and a good cry. How long will that last me? How long can I take this? God if you are reading this..... please, please help me.

Growing Pains

Wow. Its been so amazing this past month. I have been growing so much, but with growth comes growing pains. I sat with some friends at Buffalo Wild Wings and I ended up spilling my guts about all that happened to me in the past couple years. How I had been so hurt in church and out of church. I realized that I am still not over a lot of things. I realized that there is still a lot that has to be dealt with. Things to be forgiven. I want to go to Wave all the way, but I can't leave until I deal with my issues. I don't want to leave in anger, bitterness, and rebellion because guess what!?!? the people that hurt me are planning to go to Wave too. So if I don't handle this now. If I can't beat this. I am going to end up being hurt all over again. So much for new beginnings right? If I can't freely tell my pastor, with a sound mind and heart why I am leaving and the fact that I am leaving, then something is wrong. 

I spent a good chunk of my life building walls and tearing them down when it was safe to feel again. The last wall I built was so thick it even kept out God and my family. Friends were out of the question. I realized that I am afraid. Terrified of getting hurt. I am so angry at my church. I am in a love hate relationship. An abusive relationship. I'm so used getting beat up, I can't even recognize salvation when I see it. I just ask, " are you gonna hit me too?" It seems like everywhere I go the story repeats itself. It has to be for a reason. There must be something I haven't learned. I refuse to run. It's time I faced life instead of sleep it away. I don't care how much it hurts anymore. It can't hurt worse than not living. 

As for the ugly bubble, I was hoping my super hero would pop it. But he seems to have moved on. ( to recap, the ugly bubble is the force field that surrounds me that makes every normal guy with in eye sight of me see me as unattractive, it's for my own protection. at least thats what i'd like to think) I don't blame him. It has to be a bubble worth popping and I don't think what he was going to find on the inside would have been very appealing right now. It hurts to know that yet another man joins the hundreds that I've met who put me on the "sister list." In this case, the silent list. I still have hope that someday, the one God has for me will find the bubble worth popping no matter what is on the inside of it. A man of God with an ugly bubble immunity. Until that day, I pray that God would take this broken, hurt, messed up life and make into something worthwhile. Seeing as how He can do anything, I don't think it will take Him much. There's always hope, even in the saddest parts of life. 

On the Snow Day that Almost Existed but Didn't

You know. I think the Bible has something to say about not worrying about what the next day will bring. I think it says don't worry at all and about sparrows and such. In my folly, I did not sleep well and I did not grade all my papers as I should have because I was expecting that today would be a snow day. I still have a lot to learn. I could be angry that the only private school open today happened to be the one I work at. I could also be disgruntled that half of my students were missing this week as well (last week was a school wide flu), which puts me even further behind. I could beat myself up for not being more responsible. Should have, could have, would have... but I didn't. Hindsight is 20/20, but if you keep looking back, you'll wind up tripping in the very near future. 

I decided to relax. I finally taught some good lessons today. I have decided that I will get my work done during the forty hours I am paid for. If I can't do it during the work day, then it doesn't get done. I work myself so hard that I burn out. Give to Caesar what is Caeser's and to God what belongs to God. I'm learning that peace can only be found in Jesus. If you're out of Jesus, you're out of peace. So thank you Mr. Meteorologist for being human and very wrong, you taught me not to take the weather report seriously and that God knows better than man. So the next time I want a weather report. I'll pray for it. :D

ask

"Little girl I say to you arise" 

These are the words Jesus spoke to a girl that had breathed her last well before He had arrived on the scene. 

Yesterday Pastor Lynn asked us in simple words as a new church how we would handle a family who was suffering through the circumstance of having a brain dead child. I volunteered that we should make sure their needs are met (i.e. cooking for them, cleaning their house). Someone else said we should help with their expenses. Another said that we should pray that God would give them peace in this time of trouble. After a couple more suggestions Pastor Lynn simply said, "why don't we prevent all that, and just raise the dead." 

It wasn't until right then that I realized how weak my faith was. How true it was that the God that lives in us is more than powerful to not only raise the dead, but to form complex life out of the dust. If we were to follow Jesus' example, He did not merely say, "Can I help you with the funeral plans." He said, "Arise." Further, He also said that we would do greater things. So I ask, why do we not see these greater things? Not because the Word is wrong! Far from it! We do not have, because we do not ask. We suffer from "peon syndrome." We feel that we are nothings and that God wouldn't bother to even incline His ear to hear our simple quiet prayers. 

I can't explain the miracle God has been doing in my heart for the past month or two. He has restored to me all that I have lost. He has wooed my heart and I am falling fast. I can't even wrap my brain around what I feel. The point is... I feel. I no longer serve the god of the numb. I'm no longer living in my self imposed isolation. It is as if God spoke to my spirit and said.... arise. I'm not afraid or embarrassed to ask anymore. God loves me. He LOVES me. I may not understand it, but it's the one certain thing I cling to right now. If there has been anything I have learned this past weekend, it is to ask. So what are you waiting for? Ask :D

Understanding Awe

I found out some distressing news the other day. My brother's car had been broken into. There is something to say about how the Devil knows which buttons to push. But this blog is to glorify God. He always has a knack of turning the most hopeless situation to good. My brother said the most amazing thing I have ever heard him say, " It's all material stuff that can be replaced." Until now my brother has placed high regard on his possessions. It hurt me that after all his hard work in one fowl swoop his privacy was taken and the things he spent so much hard earned money on were gone. I can't imagine what went through his mind. The beauty of it is that God helped him see the good in the situation. His car was vandalized by professionals, meaning that if he hadn't listened to the Holy Spirit and left any earlier. This would have been a much more distressing blog. Not to mention that his entire car could have been stolen. 

What makes the whole situation even more amazing, is that we were studying John chapters 14-17 yesterday at church and Pastor Lynn told us to ask big. To ask for the people that we wanted to be touched by God the most. My brother was at the top of the list. To hear how God used this situation to shake his heart and show him where his priorities were at. That meant the world to me. It also meant that the God of the universe heard my earnest prayer. He took time to listen to me. I can't even put into words how special I feel. The only word I can think of....is awe. 

So far....

God has shown Himself faithful and miraculous. What I lost in bad friends, God gave me back in new godly friends that love the Lord and know how to have fun. No band of fuddy duddies here. I am so excited for what God is doing. I went to wave church tonight and it was amazing. There were so many young people. I had no idea that church could be that amazing. The preacher really hit a nerve in me when he talked about leprosy in the heart. I'm still trying to process it all. In the process, I have found kindred folk that like me for me. I am still having issues with trusting and I am learning to let go of the past and not let the good people pay for what the lost have done. Baby steps. 

I PASSED PHARMACOLOGY!!! I still can't believe that I made it! It's such a sense of relief. I have been really putting my studies on the back burner while trying to adjust to teaching life. It's just so good to know that I made it! Not by a little either! I was well over passing so I can rest assured knowing that I earned my grade. God is so good! 

ponderings on attraction.

I guess lately I have been kind of evaluating my actions. I think I made a monumental mistake today. I shared my equation with one of my smaller classes. I remember being a little embarrassed when I shared it. I hadn't realized how much I beat myself up until right then and there. I think its at the point where I have to repent. I may not feel like God made me beautiful, but He did. To say otherwise, would be denying His love in my life. I'm not saying that my feelings are invalid, but that when I feel my worst, like my giant carcass is the most disgusting thing to grace the planet, I have to realize that it is a lie and the truth is that God made me beautiful. Why is it so hard to believe this truth? 

Now that I think about it, it is the whole reason I was embarrassed about sharing the equation. The equation doesn't take God into consideration. It's based on human to human interactions. Just because a person hasn't been pursued doesn't make them unattractive. Attractiveness as a concept should be an individual thing. Not to mention, that attraction can also grow with time. I think our society is so focused on physical attraction we have become shallow. It's the only thing we see. We forget that behind this house of flesh is a soul. A soul that shouldn't be measured by any means. I'm not saying that we completely look past our human reactions to what God made beautiful on the outside, but that we not place it so high on our list of social priorities. That we consider that our bodies are not the only thing that make us human. That we are mind, body, and soul. 

-Phoenix 

on being a spaz

yes. i am for lack of a better word, a spaz. i was helping to pack up the christmas stuff and i didn't realize that baby Jesus wasn't attached to his crib....er, manger, and he fell and basically, i decapitated baby Jesus and amputated his right arm. i put him back together though. it got me thinking about all my quirks. how i sometimes sleep with my head towards the foot of the bed and how i my idea of comfort food is some chef boyardee spaghetti and meatballs and white rice all mushed up together and how i like to crochet and how i bite my nails and randomly blurt out chicken wing and how my favorite drink ever is half coke and half orange soda and how i clean when i get angry.  then i was thinking about how that's not so bad. how i kind of liked my quirkiness and how all this isolation helped me to figure some of them out. and basically my self esteem is at -95 so im five points closer to zero than yesterday. which makes me feel even better! so i figured that i should put  strengths and weaknesses up so i can look at them. 

Weaknesses (this list is easier)

1. I procrastinate... a lot.

2. I have a hard time being on time.

3. I kind of have a tendency to let people walk all over me.  

4. I'm not very good at following through with stuff. 

5. Books and hats are about the only thing I finish. 

6. I say too much when I am nervous.

7. I say too much.

8. I interrupt a lot. 

Strengths (loading....)

6. I am very reliable in medical emergencies.

7. I love to help people. 

8. I can't hold a grudge for longer than a couple of hours. 

9. I drive really well. 

10. I'm easily amused. 

11. I don't require much to be happy. 

12. When you can get me to work, I work hard. Especially if I like what I am doing. 

13. I smile a lot. 

14. When I am not nervous or uncomfortable, I am a pretty outgoing person. 

15. I have a tendency to make people laugh. 

16. It basically takes an act of nature to offend me. 

not a bad list. i think i am at a -90. hooray!

on the theory of female attraction

THIS EQUATION IS NO LONGER VALID. READ "ponderings on attraction" I KEEP IT UP AS A MEASURE OF MY GROWTH. TO LEARN FROM MY HARD TIMES. KIND OF LIKE GOING BACK AND READING AN OLD JOURNAL YOU WROTE IN JUNIOR HIGH. 

ok. so i can scientifically prove how unattractive i am. probably not the best thing for my self esteem, but it kind of kept me up half the night and anything is better than thinking about how much i miss my big brother right now. its pretty genius if i may say so myself. 

so basically if you correlate that female attractiveness can be measured by the number of pursuers plus the length of time they are pursued multiplied by the number of relationships raised to the number of marriages, where the number of marriages is equal to (n+1) (because if it was just n and someone hadn't been married then their number would automatically be one and it wouldn't take into consideration the other factors.) then subtract the number of rejections and take the root n+1 times all over the number of days alive (time is measured in days) then you have a quantitative measure for attractiveness, or unattractiveness in my case. insert evil genius/mad scientist laughter here. 

the equation will then look like A= [n+1 root{r(m+t(p))^(n+1)-d}]/t(a) 

where n+1= the number of marriages

r= all relationships acknowledged on both parts

m= number of male pursuers of intelligent, sane males of the same age (this takes into consideration if you were asked out at twelve by a male around the same age for instance)

t(p)= the average number of days the pursuit took place (some guys will wait for years, others twenty seconds)

d= number of rejections, r was already taken and rejection is depressing, thus d

and finally t(a)= the time in days the female has been alive. 

* disclaimer: this is basically for first world countries where they can afford to be picky. 

and also you only take the root if there has been a divorce, otherwise you can ignore that part.

thus i have not only proven that scientifically that i am unattractive, in the sense that i do not attract males (this does not necessarily imply repelling males, just that i cannot hold their attention relationship pursuit wise) but that i am also mildly ugly. i have a negative number, its really small, but it is still negative. 

A(phoenix)= {0(2+135)^1)-3}/8895

A(phoenix)=-3/8895

A(phoenix)=-3.37 X 10^-4

i feel oddly accomplished and somewhat exhilarated. what a strange duck i am....

on my current self esteem issues

so basically i have pretty crappy self esteem, and for good reason. i have never been on a date, had a boyfriend, or anything close to a boyfriend who wanted to actually admit it, and i have never been kissed.  i guess sometimes i have a hard time because it seems like the only people that say i am pretty are the mentally deranged, the elderly, family or people that see me as family, and painfully patronizing females. there have been maybe one ore two exceptions, but they were those kind of people that can find beauty in dirt. which basically leaves me feeling like there is something horribly wrong with me. i can count on one hand when i have liked someone who liked me back. i can also use one hand to count the number of males that have followed through and actually told me they found me attractive in a non sisterly kind of way, after i finished counting that first part. 

i know i am not ugly per se. i just feel ugly, or like there is something wrong with me. maybe im such a pill that guys see me and want to run the other way. it feels like maybe the very core of who i am is unattractive to sane human males my age. yup that about sums it up, who i am is unattractive. its the only explanation. the other theory is that God has basically put an ugly bubble around me to "protect" me, and i just have to wait for prince charming to pop it. right now this ugly bubble looks pretty impenetrable. its gonna take a superhero. 

on goal progress

so i applied to a couple of places to become a volunteer. i met my friend r and his girl for some coffee ( i didn't get anything, i don't like coffee). i figured out the baseline for linus and lucy. and i decided to add some rules. so for the whole self esteem thing (which i think i ended up at minus 105 today) i decided that i am going to make the effort to look presentable everyday. like wear make up and dress with clothes that aren't from the bottom of a pile of laundry i have yet to put away and stuff like that. i figure maybe if i look better i might feel better about myself. also for the whole reading every book on in my library once, i decided to up the ante and say that i cannot buy or check out another book until i complete this goal. this one is gonna be a challenge now. 

my brother leaves tomorrow. he takes me places and helps me to be a well rounded individual. so i guess its back to the hermitage. 

on my goals for the new year

wow. another year. i am strangely optimistic about this year. i dont know. something about being in church when the clock struck twelve made a little miracle in my soul. like 2008 melted into oblivion and all that was left was that moment of communion and the possibilities to come. so in a cheerful disposition i shall name my top ten goals for this year. 

1. reconnect with God

2. lose weight, some weight, any weight, a quarter pound would even be nice right now (i figured i should make my goals feasible)

3. pay off a good portion of my debt

4. volunteer at least once a month at a free clinic/hospital

5. be a good friend to the friends i have left and take the hard way and not isolate myself

6. graduate from nursing school, pass my state boards

7. learn how to play "Linus and Lucy" on the piano

8. read every book in my library at least once

9. go on one missions trip after i graduate and use my new nursing skills to help others

10. learn how to not beat myself up and take my self esteem from a negative 100 to at least a zero. 

i think these are all possible. we shall see. hears to hope.... HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!