Hallucinations and Sleep Deprivation

so i havent hallucinated yet, but it is def around the corner. i have had about seven hours sleep in the past two days. im not exhausted either which is the sad part. even sadder is the fact that i stay up late watching sappy korean love movies. my mom said that when someone cant sleep it is because their soul is out of peace. i have to say i agree. when i am alone. i tend to have morally ambiguous behavior. i know what is right. i know how to act right, but its kind of like losing weight. i know what i have to do, but i am content in my own skin. a better word would be complacent. 

complacent. that word seems to embody the very times we live in. complacency can be caused by a lot of things, but in my case its one parts lazy and two parts busy. i cant seem to snap out of this fog to do what i have to do as a christian and a person. im doing better. im not as uptight about things as i have been, but that may be the further signs of my complacency. i just dont care how my friends treat me anymore. if they care or they dont. 

thankfully in all this i am reminded constantly by that persistent voice that keeps telling me that i need to hang on. that this wont last forever. that my time will come when i must burst forth out of hiding and grab onto my destiny by the horns. but i guess what disturbs me is, if i cant grab life by the horns now, what makes me think that i will be able to grab life by the horns later? right now, the only thing that makes me roll out of bed in the morning and maintain some kind of semblance of sanity is that i know Jesus loves me despite myself. He really truly loves me. sigh. i have no clue why, but im not one to stare a gift horse in the mouth. i say it out loud now and it makes me want to laugh uncontrollably. 

ted dekker describes way better than i do in his books Black, Red, White. i highly recommend. he allegorically and successfully not only describes Christ's love for us, but also its effects on one so complacent and clueless, such as my self. i cant wait to graduate. twelve months and counting and i will be an RN. i will grab life by the horns and give it something to reckon with. God help the man that has to reckon with me. ;)