chief of all fools

i hung out with my friends n and a today. n i dont mind so much. hes a cool guy. hes very neutral which is an important thing to be when you have such diverse characters for friends. they need to know someone isnt going to take sides when they talk to them. i dont know how to feel about a. a is like one of those exs that your not quite comfortable around but you have to be around them because you run in the same circles. im really contemplating just pulling out of it all. its awkward enough that i have to leave or do something else when they decide to hang out with g, (g is like an ex that makes you want to cry, puke, and kill all at the same time)  but then a and al started to ignore me like three weeks back. there are two things that will easily make me not want to even think of your existence. one is lying, be it to me or behind my back and the second is ignoring me instead of just telling me what is going on be it negative or positive. 

i guess it all started when i was trying to tell them some deep dark emotions i was feeling and they shrugged it off and even laughed at me. friends shouldnt do that. i forgave them because im a complex person and its not easy to understand what im saying all the time because i dont speak like your average twenty something. but then i tried calling and no one picks up. i try messaging and no one but n answers back and if they do answer back its not in the best of spirits. true they have their issues i understand. but i have been there for them before. i helped them through a lot and in return i get ignored and ditched for g. 

i know what your saying. what the heck? why are you still friends with them? thats true. the average person would have just used an explicative to describe an action they should do to themselves and forget they even existed. i really like n though. hes a good friend. and it would be sad to lose him. but push comes to shove. i think this tiny break from solitude is making me want to dive deeper into it and hope that at some point its waters will fill my lungs and make me numb to human existence. even today i had to listen to more of a spouting out her constant barrage of drama. im just tired of it. im not nineteen im twenty four and i guess im craving something more on my level.  ive turned into an expertise friend (ill blog about that later). 

im just tired of constantly being betrayed and abandoned. i guess king david was right when he said that he who puts his trust in man is a fool. and i have been the chief of all fools.