the leaves aren't the only things that change in october parte dos

hola!

so i have some interesting things. more change. it is october after all. i am pretty sure im going to end up celebrating it in some form or another. i applied for a new job and it looks like i might be the next spanish teacher at a private high school not to far from my house. its great because i can finally pay off a lot of my debt now. it also has benefits. 

i guess the most wonderful part of all is that now i have no choice but to become an adult. if i don't the little teenage darlings will eat me alive. not only that but i have to be a good role model which, in conjunction to other things i will explain in a bit, forced me to face and evaluate the current condition of my soul. needless to say, it was in terrible shape. i mean... did you read the poem i wrote!?! 

up until now i have had it easy. being morally ambiguous, but then i met this guy. i dont think he knows quite what an effect he has had on me. we haven't really talked much, but his effect on me is a testament to the importance of a christian shining his light without even uttering a single word. 

i am a very good judge of character. i have a gift for reading people. God gave me this gift, i have no doubt about it. it is very rare to find an unspoiled by life real honest to God virtuous christian. it reminds me of that statement in the prestige "pardon me, but its not everyday that i see real magic" it was kind of like that with this guy. i cant quite put my finger on it, but there was something so knowledgeable and virtuous about him. ive never been near a soul this clean, this intoxicatingly in love with God. resolute in faith.  the only thing i can say is his smile crash carted my soul. 

i found myself praying to God that if my future husband was anything like this guy, i had better shape up. i started to take a good look at myself and realized that not only had i lost all self esteem, but i had forgotten all the values i held dear. i started to pray. which was big for me. i really didn't want to talk to God. not that He had done anything wrong or that i was mad at Him. i had just become numbed to everything. i kept seeing this guy in my head, well more like his spirit, and i became convicted. i was finally able to verbalize what was going on to my heart. i had a break through. 

its so different this time. no empty promises. no stupid schedules or lists to better myself. just action. i asked God to forgive me of a multitude of emotional and mental sins and after i was done i felt so clear headed. im not an ecstatic the world is rainbows and puppy dogs ninny. its as if God reached down into my heart and pulled out the weeds to discover that despite the struggle, a beautiful strong oak had grown there. i felt release, like i could stretch my branches and breathe again.  im so taken aback at His mercy. im speechless. i can get a thousand academic degrees and never know the depth of God's love. i am blissfully stupid to know that in my nothingness He finds pleasure to love me. and all because one guy was brave enough to love God and let it show. i dont know if ill ever have the courage to thank him and tell him how breathe takingly rare and beautiful he is. may God bless him a thousand times over.