Boldly Finding Closure

its strange to think that my third life is at a tragic and tumultuous end. i call them lives. periods where the people i love turn on me and leave me in a desolate place. left me. this time is different. thanks to smiley. God is with me every step of the way. this next life must be important. He has given me the boldness to demand the closure i need and deserve. yes it is all very vague. basically, as opposed to past times where i could not speak what needed to be spoken, i am standing up for myself. recognizing the value that God himself places on me. fixing mistakes, taking back my life, boldly finding closure. i may not have the last laugh, but i will have the last word. not words of anger, sadness, bitterness, but words of encouragement, love, and truth. before i was a timid, little girl shining light into the shadows, then i was a little girl finding solace in the shadows, then i was a little girl afraid of the light, and now at the close of this third life and the beginning of the fourth, i am a woman taking in light as if it were my next breath, with it devouring the shadows that so readily consumed my life, dark thoughts now turned bright in the fullness of His love.

how easily i was fooled into believe that i had no worth. it wasn't very hard, especially when your friends treat you as if you had no worth. but i know now that they weren't friends. i know now to cherish the word. i understand now that a friend is someone with whom you share mutual influence, whom you want to influence and by influenced by. 

how easily i was fooled into believing i was too low even for God's love. He kept me and i never acted on this low opinion of myself. i also never acted to remedy the situation. i became numb. now that i am awakening, the feeling is like as if a limb that has fallen asleep regains sensation. first come strange feeling of near death, then come the sharp pricks of life, then the sudden rush of blood and relief. im in the sharp pricks part. a flood of emotion. mostly good, all be it intense. 

i must admit, i am hungry. i am hungry for God's presence. i am hungry for true companions. i am hungry for true friends. i want something real. i need something real. i am alive now, but for how long can i stay alive? when it seems like most of the christians i can share with are in their own dark stupor. i want to scream at the top of my lungs, " DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHOM IT IS YOU CLAIM TO LOVE AND FOLLOW!?!?!?!" 

there is so much that must be done, and very little life to do it in. if only time could slow down, until i boldly find my closure.