leaves aren't the only things that change in october

i have no clue why, but octobers tend to be months of great change for me. last year in october, i chopped off all my hair, i got my nose pierced, and i decided to get a puppy. this year is a little more drastic. i cancelled my myspace, facebook, and msn messenger accounts without warning, single handedly cutting myself off from the world. my close friends are for various reasons not talking to me. in fact, at present i only have one friend i confide in. the only one that reads these blogs. a, al, g, n, and s have all ditched me as i planned and b is on a vow of silence for God knows how long. r is the only one left and he is super busy. there is always family, but right now they don't really know who i am or understand me or are trying to understand me. 

im all alone in the world. partly because i choose to be and partly because well its kind of hard to have friends that don't want you. (lets out a dry sarcastic laugh) in it all i keep thinking that this is too simultaneous for it to belong to no one else but God. maybe He is trying to tell me something. 

whatever the reason. there is no such thing as a coincidence and i welcome the pain of solace heartily. its the first thing i've felt with certainty since i fell in love a while back. still not quite over that, but i guess ill have to eventually. it was all very glass menagerie. 

so what will i do with all this free time considering the fact that i have also come to loathe the church i grew up in? feed my intense desire for knowledge. of myself, of God, and of the world around me. maybe i might imitate b and take my own vow of silence. im sure no one will mind since no one is around to talk to anyway (cept for r and my family). maybe finally being still enough to learn how to be comfortable being alone might help me relate to humans better. we shall see.... sigh, leaves aren't the only things that change in october.